Remembering these "understandings" is also difficult for me. They are there and then they are gone. Writing these "aha's" down, seems to me to be "feeding" the process of intellectualization.
Yes, learn to recall those "aha’s" regularly without writing them down and without intellectualizing.
This special kind of recalling brings you back to intuition / self-remembering (in case you're not).
I have stopped "doing anything" and stopped "trying" to access anything, choosing instead to just allow whatever to occur. The "doing" and "trying" seemed to get in the way. Perhaps this is what you meant once by 'effortless effort', in any case, the results of this (not doing or trying) I communicate below.
You must have had a good intuition to stop doing and trying ...:) remembering the "aha’s" without writing them down might be useful in some future time.
I am reading small parts of ‘I Am That’. Same process (as explained above). Same results (this continuous intellectual prying, trying to understand, trying to make some sense, trying to apply the concepts read, and it gets in the way of truly knowing or understanding.) And each time stopping, seeing/sensing the intellect at work, withdrawing from intellect, and returning to the listening/hearing. This is a slow process. I feel like I am trying to learn or allow that which I already know but paradoxically don’t know or have forgotten knowing.
The intuitive understanding happens much faster (the access is faster, more immediate, and also the internal processing is much faster) than the intellectual understanding and never needs repetition to seize the meaning/signification of what's going on.
Intuition is related to nothingness, intellect is definitely related to something ness.
On the other hand there's no (scientific) certainty and no proof in intuition. By and by there's some sort of confidence (subtle feeling) that develops, some "insighting" that the intuitions come right out of your essential value and thus can't be wrong.
This (your last sentence above about intuitions coming right out of my essential value) is very helpful. First there is a noticing of more intuition being present as I am working with a client. If as you once hypothesized, that my essential value is service, or is somehow grounded in service, then this connection to my work makes sense. There is listening
To the client and then responding, free of intellectualization, seemingly (the intuition or understanding) is just there "as it is." There is an intuitive knowing of what direction to go or what to say or offer. This occurs without any apparent thinking or thought process. And lately there is more awareness of intellect "as it occurs" and as a consequence of this awareness (of intellect "as it occurs"), there comes an increased awareness of intuition,
a sense of knowing. When offering a "canned", "marketed" or "my opinion" approach or belief, the work is not as successful. Listening for "the background" reveals intuitive answers, responses that happen in and of themselves.
Yes, that's it.
Intuitive insights also feel right to me. I know now that what I referred to previously as this or that "rings true" for me (for instance your teaching, or being drawn to you as my teacher) is actually this intuitive understanding at work, without me intellectually "understanding" it or knowing that it is intuition. I hope I am communicating this clearly
Yes.
I seem to "feel" the understanding that comes intuitively. It occurs "in the blink of an eye" which is to say almost suddenly. In sharp contrast, there is only a thinking that occurs when the intellect understanding alone is present. And this process (of intellectual understanding) occurs over a period of time, slowly, as it turns over and over in the mind. The difference is one of being felt rather than just thinking within in my conscious awareness.
Right.
I find that connecting with "the heart" (by shifting focus from the mind into the heart), there is a subtle access to this understanding, this intuition, this knowing. The more time I spend connected with the heart.
Right.
These past two weeks have also brought what I will call "body suffering." I call it that because I feel it in the body, and have never experienced anything like this feeling before. I have obviously experienced body pain before (which this is not). One day there was a feeling as if I was going to explode. This lasted for 5 or 6 hours. A sense of the body almost changing (although intellectually I know that it wasn't). Then another day of an intense pressure, feeling as if there was pushing inwardly rather than outward. On this day, I was scheduled for my usual 3-time weekly bodywork session and amazingly; there was no pain felt at all, at any time during the session. Normally, since this is deep tissue manipulation of the fascia, there is accompanying pain, but not on this day. I was completely relaxed and during the entire session I felt as if I was "not in my body", that I was simply not able to experience the pain. After the session was over, the sense of suffering was no longer present. Both days I felt an intense desire to cry, to release (I know not what), but I stayed present with the suffering, not changing or altering but just being with it, experiencing it.
Good that you stayed with it without changing or altering. I have nothing to add to what you write. Now you're on the right track. Just keep going and keep me informed.
You say that I'm on the right track and to just keep going. But how to do that is I guess my question. What to do to go further? I had hoped / assumed that I would eventually be learning how to uncover the original belief. How to uncover the essential value? To enter into the training of the original belief process? More than ever before, the longing for liberation permeates me. Am I expecting too much too soon? Wanting to move too fast? Am I not ready to enter into training of the original belief?
I'm sure that it's not the right moment to approach all this. For the moment, just stay with developing intuition on an overall basis. You and I, we will know by intuition when the time is ripe to approach something else.
***
Re: unusual functioning:
This morning as I am just waking, just becoming conscious, there is a shuddering, a vibrating (sort of) in my whole body). This has been happening more often than not, for some weeks now. The other day as I was driving home from the office, I had an 'aha' surrounding abandonment. Let me explain, I suddenly felt that I was abandoned at birth and saw the connection between this and the pattern of other important relationships (female) in my life. I have been married once, engaged 3 times and involved once most recently without committing to either marriage or engagement. In all cases, I was the individual that was "left behind". I was happy in all cases, in love with the other in all cases, and "got over" or recovered from the dissolution of the relationship rather quickly, with no apparent anger, blame or guilt.
I somehow feel that this is important to "original belief" although I cannot seem to put it together. Any thoughts?
Not really. I'm not sure if this has to do with being abandoned at birth. We should check this when you come. We talked already on the phone about your biological sister and your birth mother, and this is definitely an issue.
Yes, I remember thinking it was not, now not so sure.
So your birth mother lives not far from where you live?
Yes
Do you know exactly where?
No
Could you find out? Would it be possible to meet her? Just for an hour or two and ask her what made her seek you and her mother and see what that does to you. And get all the information she has about your father, mother and also grandfather, grandmother, other sisters and brothers etc.
Yes, but she has already let it be known that she does not want nor appreciate any attempts at contact (from my other 2 sisters).
Okay. Could you go see her?
No, she is an old woman, that I have advance knowledge that she wants not to be bothered by her birth children. I have to respect that.
No, you haven't. She's not taking her responsibilities.
Just go there and ring and ask her if she's Mrs..... And maybe tell her that you just wanted to see her how she looks etc. No need to insist. Take an Ericksonian low profile attitude.
You are right; I don't have to respect that. I do respect that. She had 3 children under circumstances that are unknown to me and everyone but her, she gave all three up for adoption 50 years ago. She chooses not to have connection with them. And I choose to respect that decision.
And I ask you to choose to do it and to be non respectful to your mother.
Probably not, but I’ll sleep on it.
Isn't it strange that you just don't say "yes"?
I understand why you might think it strange. I don't see it as strange. I have never had any interest my entire life in meeting my birth parents.
I know that.
Conversely, the sister that I grew up with (her name is Donna, my parents adopted us both) always wanted to know her birth parents and went to all the trouble of tracking them down and meeting them. (It didn't do anything for her in the long run and created some tension for my parents).
I know this, too.
I had two parents that loved me and provided all that I needed in every way imaginable, so I have never really been interested.
Yes, you told me already. It's now three times in this mail that you repeat
what I knew already.
I insist: you should go there. I have a good reason for asking you this but I prefer you find out yourself.
Damn you are persistent! Okay I will do this! But under serious duress! :) :)
Well maybe not so serious.
:):) Very good.
Seriously, it will all be beneficial for you, I’m absolutely sure.
Have nice day; I’ll go to bed now.
Have a nice sleep and thanks (I hope) for your persistence.
Thank you for accepting. When will you go there?
I'll let you know how it unfolds.
Okay. Good luck. And don't call her on the phone before you go there; she might convince you not to come :)
Are you kidding? I can screw this up on my own, I would never call ahead and give someone else the chance to rob me of the opportunity! :)
Lol. And is it right that you can contact your sister any time?
Yes, anytime.
Would it be possible to meet her before you come here?
I have met her, talk with her all the time, spent time at her house, she at mine.
Good!
Just for an hour or two and ask her what made her seek you and her mother and see what that does to you.
She sought myself and then the mother because she had no blood relatives. Her children (2) are her husbands from a previous marriage. Both were very young when she became their mother. She wanted to have some contact with blood relations.
You mean her children :) ? Just kidding
Both were very young when she became their mother. She wanted to have some contact with blood relations.
None of this has ever "done" anything to me, i.e., brought up any feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Never thought of it as having any importance at all. It has been nice getting to know her (she is a wonderful person).
And get all the information she has about your father.
Father is unknown, could have been one of two or three (according to the mothers sister).
And your mother?
Mother was pregnant 3 times, 2 of these she told the family were miscarriages, the third that she had a stillbirth (in actual fact all three were born).
Grandfather had a deep voice and was a golf fanatic.
Grandmother died when mother was young, grandfather remarried.
Other sisters and brothers etc.
One other sister that lives in Colorado, I have spoken to her twice and emailed a few times.
Never saw her?
No.
Okay, you have two sisters - Sharon and Nancy. Are you all three from the same father?
(Sorry if you told me already.)
Unknown.
Maybe three different fathers?
Don’t know. Nancy thinks that she and I share the same father, but she doesn’t really know.
***
Well, I have finished reading all your dialogues with Kate. It was interesting for me to note the similarities between Kate and I. As a friend of mine used to say we are "the same but different".
Both of us have this "intellectual knowing" but no direct experiencing of "it". Both of us might have an "issue" (for lack of a better word) with apparent ties to family and past that needs confronting.
It's necessary to get rid of past "unfinished business".
Both have expressed "core values" that are not really core values but values generated by and through identity. Neither has had a "breakthrough experience." Kate seems to speak sincerely from the heart.
Yes.
The instructions from bsr on self-remembering were helpful for me specifically bringing more clarity to sr. It brings to mind a description of a Douglas Harding experiment, only without the experiment. :)
:)
It is also interesting how you treat similar situations (as above) differently based on the individual. Gives one an alternate perspective.
A question:
Is there a correlation between core value and essential value? Near as I can tell most core values actually serve the ego/identity, so from the standpoint of liberation, what would be a core value?
The very first expression of ev comes right out of nothing and is the deepest and most pleasant feeling one can have. This wordless state is present when we're born and then gets "corrupted". The attention is shifted to building an identity, learning to speak etc. There's less and less contact with the feeling of ev. Until identity takes over more or less
during puberty.
Some people "know" that this can't be everything and they try to live their life from what they vaguely remember of the "magic" they lived when they were a child.
Artists often (by being admired from their public) get in contact with this feeling of ev, musicians by becoming one with music etc., drugs may bring it up. The problem with all this is that it usually is immediately used by identity and thus personal interest. In the artist it may pervert to vanity, in drugs it may become addiction etc.
Those who have lived an existential breakthrough have contacted the pureness of ev. The problem arises then if you're not 100% pure and in integrity, or not with a real teacher, this will be (mis)used by identity.
Sometimes ev gives birth to new insights for humanity (inventions) although these persons not necessarily live liberation, they have kept contact with ev (Einstein) without being (too much) corrupted.
One has to check if one's core values are pure not used for personal interest) or not (in service of identity). They all come from ev, the way you use them makes the difference.
This can lead to (for others) incomprehensible actions. For example, when I stopped teaching in 2003, (I planned this two years in advance) the "motivation" for stopping came from my ev. It wasn't at all that I was fed up.
Shortly after the decision's been taken, the circumstances in my wife's professional life changed drastically, she suddenly earned not enough to have enough for our day to day expenses, so that we had to take money from what we had saved. But I never got the "permission" of my ev to continue teaching in order to have more money.
Once you live from your ev, you can't say "no" to its orders even if this may seem completely absurd.
So then, it would seem that the original decision for you to teach must not have come from ev? Since the decision to no longer teach came from ev. Or does ev somehow change.
When I started teaching it definitely came from ev. And then ev said to stop teaching. It didn't change anything inside myself, just on the outside. From today's perspective, it was just a break resuming a different kind of teaching.
So there is this feeling sense of ev that somehow changes? How does ev relate to Self? It seems that ev both comes from Self and yet is somehow separate from Self, since "it" changes. I see how it didn't change anything inside you, but ev (itself) somehow changed, (or changed "its" mind just a figure of speech).
I don't know what you mean by "self". It is not part of the words I use in my teaching.
Maybe the following replies to what you want to know (non-intellectually I hope). Ev is not necessarily related to liberation; it can manifest in people who are not conscious of nothingness.
We need to distinguish between the destiny level and the every day level of ev.
On the everyday level ev expresses itself in doing what you do with a special kind of joy, it feels right, it fulfills you. This can be anything like washing dishes or helping someone to do a better job.
Doing things conscientiously, becoming an expert in a certain area is usually related to ev. Also all the classical virtues like being considerate, not cheating others for selfish goals, respect etc. Ev is the best of the best in humans.
As I already said, the less it is used by identity the "better" for the person. The more you do things to become rich or famous or admirable, the less it's worth (in relation to live liberation).
Being honest towards yourself is the most important and most difficult issue here. Most people would say to be honest towards themselves and this is already dishonesty. (It is one of the basic criteria for me to accept someone or not. If he isn't or not honest towards himself doesn't matter. But if he insists he is and I know he isn't then I can't go on with him/her. I would not tell him that he lies to himself because this would make things worse for him.)
Now the destiny level. Only few people become conscious of it. And there is no need for it. You may live liberation without being conscious of this level. And you may live this level (unconsciously) without being liberated.
It's always most creative and most innovative, as it hardly ever refers to anything that exists already. It is the level of the unfolding of one's destiny, one's own uniqueness, kind of the reason for your being here and also it can be a kind of a payment, of giving back what you got. Grace is often present.
It's Elvis Presley or the Beatles; it's Leonardo and Rembrandt, it's Einstein and Sigmund Freud, Mozart and Placido Domingo. It might be also the guy who repairs your car.
Only very few of my friends are conscious of the destiny level of their ev. I don't know why. In the beginning of my teaching I thought this will come automatically but I’ve come to the conclusion that it that it doesn't matter.
On the level of destiny/ev you may get to "know" that things are unfolding according to a hidden plan.
Does that reply to your question?
Yes, thank you.
I have felt for a long time that things in life just sort of happened to me, without my directing them; more like they were just occurring and I went along with it. Although I feel in a certain sense that I intentionally pursued this situation with you as my teacher, I also see it as just unfolding, maybe not unfolding by itself, but unfolding never the less. I don't know if this has anything to do with destiny and ev, just felt I should share it with you. Thanks again for the reply.
Thanks for sharing this.
The unfolding you talk about is on another level than the unfolding of ev/destiny but it's as well of value.
"Your" unfolding is complementary to the work you already do on intuition, it's on the same logical level;
it's more in contact with the flow of life than the intellect which is "just" a useful tool.
***
Is everything okay? No mail from you since a couple of days?
Yes, everything is okay. Sorry for the lack of mail, I had intended on sending you an update earlier on the visit with my birth mother, but I have just been busy with - functional stuff, I think you have called it.
Lol, yes, functional stuff :)
As you recall I went to visit "mother" on Thursday. Well my trip on Thursday resulted in "nobody home". So I returned on Friday. I really hated doing this (as you already know) and as I stood on her doorstep again ready to knock on the door, I felt very uncomfortable, very anxious.
But a few knocks later, my apprehension left as this older woman answered. I said hello, introduced myself, asked if she was Marion and said, "I am your son and I just wanted to meet you". She was speechless for what seemed like an eternity, and then said, "I’m sorry but I have nothing to say to you, please leave me alone," as she shut the door and left me standing there. I knocked again, but there was no answer from her so I left.
I felt terrible walking back to the car (my heart ached) and as tears came to my eyes, I started to cry. If I was uncertain of being abandoned before, this "visit" certainly brought back the feeling. The rest of the day, off and on, I was out of sorts, feeling "down" and upset. This feeling would come and go so I just sat with this (off and on feeling) through the evening, and the next day (yesterday) I realized that this suffering was necessary suffering (that I had never dealt with before), and I accepted it as that. And with this acceptance came a relief and a release that I felt within the body, of somehow feeling lighter.
You definitely encountered your Original Belief. Great!!!
So that is the story of a boy and his mother and the start and finish (I feel) of separation (I hope). :) Thank you for "insisting" that I do this, for if left to my own devices, it surely would never have occurred.
I just did my job. And you did yours.
***
After having joined a meeting with Wolfgang and his friends:
I have now settled back in to life in the US. Seeing some clients and living life.
I felt that I could now write some thoughts and feelings from my journey to see you and our friends. So I share them with you.
The time spent was wonderful, and delightful.
The feeling of the energy that was present was amazing for me. I have not felt this 'energy' (the only word that I can seem to come up with) before. Even when I was not feeling "it" there seemed to be a "presence" always in the background.
This "presence" is what I call "sound of silence" or "the sound of the heart (anahata)"; it's always/everywhere present. It's just that sometimes you may not hear/feel it.
I was very surprised at the warmth and energy that I felt when saying good-bye (especially from Gerard and Pierre who I really never talked with or had much contact with because they spoke no English or almost no English). They almost knocked me over. I know that I have made the right connection for me. I feel more connected.
Good.
My evenings and early mornings spent going "into and out of" the emotion, the feeling surrounding ob were... Well they just brought a greater sense of... Awareness of being... Vigilant. I have continued this "exercise" here at home. There is not much if any suffering there.
Okay.
I received more from the 'work' than I imagined at the time. It brought to light some of my "shortcomings". From the whirling/twirling I realize now that my reasons/excuses for not doing it at first were and are bullshit. In retrospect, I was fearful of not doing it correctly (as if anyone really cared what I do), of looking stupid, of getting dizzy. Silly things really.
So I remain vigilant of these tendencies because I employ them in my regular life as well, and usually not to benefit.
Good.
The uncovering of essential value was fascinating. And you were right, without doing it; no explanation of technique or instructions would be meaningful. Amazing! My memory of transitioning from wanting the golf club to what could get in the way of that, to ev remains very unclear. I find that odd.
Now, this moving beyond intuition, this going further beyond the feeling I am not grasping. It is frustrating. I have no clear direction or feeling as to... I cannot even describe this. Perhaps some idea of where to apply or when. Whatever you can say may be helpful.
When you are present, now, this presence is perceivable; it's the continuous, never changing background of life.
Yes.
I e-mailed Stephen Wolinsky and received a brief reply back. He had not much to say since just returning from a 16-day retreat.
Yes, he told me.
That is all for now.
I'm happy for you that everything was so nice for you. Just keep going. For
the time being, no need for instructions or anything.
Big hug,
w.
***
Some days later…
Still functionally illiterate,
What exactly happens?
Just difficult to work with computer things very long. Sometimes difficult to become motivated to start a project.
Please tell me more on this.
It is difficult to stay focused on any one thing for very long. I start something - then stop - then start something else - then return to the original - then stop - return to the other or to nothing at all - and so on and on. I am not focused on much that is functional or when doing those things that are functional.
Are there also memory problems?
Memory is scattered. I remember something’s and forget others. I forget to do things that I normally do all the time. (Taking out the trash, etc.)
My body is often very tired. Sometimes feeling as if it waattacked.
Oh dear, I hoped that you would be an exception, but no, unfortunately not.
The only thing you can do is to learn how to cope with this.
Many things might take a lot more time from now on to accomplish them.
There's more to say on all this but I’d like you to experiment for two more weeks and if it's still there, talk on the phone.
New ways of functioning have to be tried out and learned.
***
Please tell me how things are evolving for you.
Physically, I am tired most days. I experience difficulty getting to sleep. When I do fall asleep I sleep hard, with no dreaming (that I can remember). This is in stark contrast to when I was in Paris. I had vivid dreams every night (that I remembered in the morning).
I feel that there is nothing "to do" in terms of evolution. I accept each day. I live life each day as it unfolds. There is an understanding that did not exist before my trip (or sometime thereafter). I live "what is". I do not experience much difference if any between good and bad, happy and sad, etc. But you feel sometimes happy and sometimes sad?
Yes/no. This is a strange answer. I know that there is happiness and sadness but I do not feel these as before. For instance when I was with my girlfriend there was no overt happiness or elation (as it would have been before) and now that I am home I miss her but there is no sense of loss or anguish or sadness because we are not together (as it would have been before) it is just I miss her and that is okay. Things seem to be equal - or else my reactions or non-reactions are equal. Hard to
explain.
Sounds good.
I no longer feel that there is something missing, some path or direction that I need to investigate or follow. There is no sense that something (liberation, enlightenment) will happen if I do certain things or live a certain way, or read a certain book or follow a certain teacher ;)
Very good.
I assume that my memory is not so good (for instance, I read Kate’s writing, then read it again as I was copying and pasting it for the site, but in order to give you any feedback about it, I need to read it again and give feedback as I read it) or (as you have seen I will forget to respond to some e-mails or questions within e-mails - sometimes I feel as if they are just not so important in relation to what I may be involved with at the time and I make a mental note to return to them - then the mental notes must disappear).
Post-its, watches and agendas and asa foetida are Wolfgang’s student’s best friends :)
Yes, as you've said before. I guess I need to do something about that. It just feels so artificial.
Kind of a survival kit for the functional world :) I’ve not yet found working alternatives to this.
***
9 months later…
When I first contacted Wolfgang, I was consumed with the need for and the idea of enlightenment – liberation. I had spent 30 years studying, researching and reading all that was available on awakening. I just knew that someone, somewhere had the answers that I needed, the experiences that I lacked, and the special key that would allow me to breakthrough and become enlightened. I was wrapped up in the concepts, the path, the I that I was not.
Today, I live life as it is. I no longer chase the elusive and illusory ‘me that will be enlightened’ some day. I realize that all there is – is already before me. There is no personal or impersonal need to be or do anything other than what I am. I live life ‘here and now.’ And should there be liberation, that is fine – and if not, that is also fine – and now’ because there is only That and that is what is.
I thank Wolfgang for his direction, his directness, his insistence, his humor, his compassion, and his friendship. I thank him for taking a chance with me – and continuing to point ‘me’ into my Original Belief while all the time waking my Essential Value. I also want to thank his many friends, both those I know personally and those only known through cyberspace - without whom I would still be aimlessly traveling the illusory path alone.
Awakening, no me to judge Either self or other
Awakening, nothing to choose Neither accepting nor rejecting
Awakening, nothing to seek Neither goal nor path
Awakening, nothing to find Either within or without
Awakening, no beliefs Either good or bad
Awakening, no time Neither past nor future
Awakening, Here – Now Always to What Is
Awakening Not Two
