MY QUESTIONS:
WB Please tell me: what makes you so sure about me?
KATE Several reasons. The first is simply an intuitive feeling, very strong. The second is when reading the testimonials in your book, they rang very true. It is not an easy process, but it can be done and you are able to assist people get there. This showed from what I read. Also a section on the internet, I think under Spiritual Teachers, was very supportive. What you say rings true Wolfgang. Your words are not empty, learned from someone else - you speak from the heart, from the void, and it shows. I know it may not be my 'destiny' to become liberated. Sometimes I think I am too ordinary. I've never been to India, done very little meditation etc. That is why this is so exciting for me, so big an opportunity.
WB To be ordinary and unpretentious is usually an advantage.
What is the most urgent question to ask me? The one that comes up immediately after having read my question. Don't think about it, don't judge it, just tell me.
KATE Who am I? Which then seemed to be corrected to What am I?
I don't understand my questions but this is what immediately came into my mind.
Having re-read what I have written above I think it is because I know I am not the identity, but I do not know who I am.
WB Please expand on this.
KATE My understanding of the identity is that it is built up from birth. At birth we have a unique personality which comes from our genes. Through the years we gather to ourselves beliefs, opinions, values, memories, labels. These are solidified into an identity, an ego, which goes by the name of me, or I. These beliefs, opinions etc change as time goes by. My body's cells change as time goes by. So my mind and my body are constantly changing and yet there seems to be something 'inside' that remains constant. I think this is the 'I' that I am asking about. If I am not my mind-body then "What am I?"
WB I think I understand. In my model it's like this: the ultimate level is nothingness out of which everything appears. On the level of a human being this nothingness manifests itself in e.v., the purest expression without any corruption of identity. Usually active in small children and in so called "enlightened" adults. So from what I understand, you say that you know that you're not the identity but you don't know who you are or what you are. Is that correct?
KATE Yes that is correct.
WB How do you know that you're not the identity?
KATE I am not the identity because the identity doesn't really exist. It just appears to exist through my memories. It exists only in my mind. I know this but still I protect it. Still I want it to be valued etc. Even the way I perceive it, is different from the way others see it. But it seems to be all I've got at the moment - I cannot see beyond it.
WB What makes it that you cannot see beyond it?
Have you ever seen beyond it, have you lived something that I call "existential breakthrough"?
KATE No I haven't. All my knowing is intellectual only. I have never seen beyond the identity. The only thing that has happened to me is something I recounted to you when I first wrote to you around 1997/98. During a counseling short-course I was recounting how I felt as a 5 year old when I stepped into feeling as if I was nothing, of no value, worthless. This distressed me enormously, I had no idea why I felt this way. Afterwards I felt that I did not want to go through that again, it was very painful. (Now I am ready to go through it again if there is a reason.) It's possible that this was seeing past the identity but I don't know.
WB No, it probably wasn't. It was a significant encounter with your o.b. we'll pick that up later.
KATE Ok. I look forward to it :)
WB We should wait until you have talked with your sister (refer to other section of email). Major traumas should be neutralized before going for o.b. Where there other traumas in your life?
KATE I'm uncertain what would fit the definition of a trauma, so I've mentioned three things that were fairly major at the time. (Details withheld.)
WB Are you still somehow associated with the unpleasant feelings when these situations come to your mind?
KATE No I feel neutral about them.
WB Do they sometimes come to your mind spontaneously?
KATE No, not that I can recall.
WB Then it's no more an issue.
If there's anything like this (past traumas) coming to your mind during the next weeks, please let me know.
KATE Ok I will keep it in mind.
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WB What makes it that you cannot see beyond it?
Have you ever seen beyond it, have you lived something that I call "existential breakthrough"?
KATE No I haven't.
This Section Repeated for Clarity
KATE I got the impression that an "existential breakthrough" is something wonderful, that you feel a part of everything and objects become wonderfully clear and beautiful. And it’s wanting to get back to this that sometimes prompts the search in people.
WB Right. And for many it becomes a burden because they want to re-live it and this is impossible.
KATE I have never had anything remotely like this happen to me.
WB That doesn't matter at all. There is as many advantages and disadvantages in both (having lived it and not having lived it)
KATE Ok I accept that. It does always seem that people who have had this 'breakthrough' are more likely to succeed in their quest but perhaps it’s just that these people are more likely to be seekers.
WB Right. They become seekers but not necessarily finders. Others become "teachers" believing/declaring they have found.
KATE Yes. It can be hard to know which is which.
WB Right. Nearly impossible.
KATE You're not kidding :) This was one of the reasons I was so happy when I got your email. As far as I was concerned I had found one true teacher and trying to find an alternative was nigh impossible.
WB Yes, I know. But I think one can never be 100% sure.
there are many who had lived an "existential breakthrough" and then think (and make believe others) they made it forever.
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KATE Who am I? Which then seemed to be corrected to What am I?
I don't understand my questions but this is what immediately came into my mind.]
(This Section Repeated for Clarity)
WB The very first was "Who am I?" Where exactly did this come from? Try to retrace (being associated) and tell me.
KATE Feeling lost, empty inside. I can only say what I'm not or rather that the things that I am, are not me. For example I am a mother and that's a very big part of me but it's still not the real me. I'm different things to different people - a partner, a lover, a mother, a sister - each see me through their own eyes. And I see myself through eyes clouded by memories, I don't know who I am, I have lost myself.
WB Who would you be without memories?
KATE Nothing. I wouldn't be a mother, I would still exist but inside I wouldn't be anything. I couldn't operate on a day to day basis without memories.
WB Exercise (to be done in not more than 1 minute):
1. Get in contact with (associated) "Nothing" (no memory of who you are) and "I would still exist but inside I wouldn't be anything".
2. Remaining associated, imagine yourself acting (fully operational with context-oriented memory that functions independently of who you are or who you are not) in everyday life being a mother, a sister, a partner, a child.
The acting (roleplaying) in everyday life can be lived with "nothing" and "not being anything" "no memory" at the basis. No need to "worry" about the memories which are automatically available when there is a need.
Once done, please tell me what happened.
KATE I found part 2 extremely difficult. Every time I imagined myself doing something I became the role, even preparing a meal (mother, partner). I finally imagined myself programming (software) which I don't associate with a role and then moved back to preparing a meal. It felt very light, free, just preparing vegetables. It was very pleasant.
WB Keep doing the exercise (not more than once a day) and take one "role" (one situation) at a time.
KATE I will keep doing this.
WB okay.
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WB The very first was "Who am I?" Where exactly did this come from? Try to retrace (being associated) and tell me.]
(This Section Repeated for clarity)
WB After having done this, do the same with "What am I?"
KATE What am I? I feel solid heavy, I feel weighted down, connected to everything around me but in a heavy dense way.
I don't know if I'm doing this correctly - I find it very difficult.
WB Is it that "Who am I" refers to past and "What am I" refers to present?
KATE Yes that does seem to be the case.
WHIRLWIND
KATE As I read your attachment (Chats with Rocky) I formed my own thoughts on what was being said. For example I accept that everything comes out of the nothingness. Although difficult to put into words it seems that everything in the last moment is replaced by everything in the current moment. It's like a constant movement but not forward.
WB Could you please explain this to me in a bit more in detail?
KATE It is difficult to explain because I cannot analyze it. It is not in words in my head but is a picture. The picture has empty space to the left and the right, in fact all around. In the middle is a sort of dust cloud that is whirling around in a cylinder type shape. It is in constant movement but doesn't move forwards or backwards. This dust-cloud is now, and now, and now.
WB What is the feeling/sensation in your body which accompanies this picture (which seems to be more a movie)?
KATE You are right, it is more a movie because the 'dust-cloud' is in movement. I thought of it as a picture because it always looks the same. I don't really have any feeling about it.
WB This is what is called in NLP "to be dis(- as)sociated"; to have a feeling about something is to have a feeling "here" concerning an event "there".
KATE I have checked my body while holding the movie in my mind and my body is comfortable, relaxed, accepting. I sort of feel that this is the way it is, I cannot change it so there is no concern about it.
WB My guess is that then you switched to "being associated", the feelings that are an extension of what you see. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
KATE I think what you say is correct.
WB So when you're associated to the movie, this is how you feel: comfortable, relaxed, accepting. Now, have the movie re-appear and also the associated feelings. When it's there, stay with both for about 10 seconds, and then start considering this as an overall "mind-set" that has always been present since birth. Stay with this for about 20 seconds and observe if the movie changes or if it stays the same. Make sure you remain associated. Please tell me what happened.
KATE This seems a little crazy and I'm not sure if I sort of made it happen this way. When I went into the second phase of thinking - that this has always been present since birth, the 'dust-cloud' got bigger but less dense, some colours were present flashing here and there and I felt a moment of pleasurable tingling in my body.
KATE This was a few hours ago, since then I have trouble seeing it the way it was before. Yesterday it was sort of neat and tidy just twirling within itself. Since the exercise its sort of a large whirlwind with a great vortex at its centre - it no longer makes me feel relaxed. It seems very powerful and makes me feel a little apprehensive. I feel small, insignificant.
WB This is just the beginning (of the exercise) but I don't want to go too fast, so please check it once a day and tell me if and how it evolves.
KATE Pretty much as yesterday, takes up all the space in the movie but is not so large as to be threatening although I get the feeling that it is me that is not allowing it to get any bigger.
WB Don't force it to get bigger; just observe what happens and tell me when a modification takes place (either in the movie or in your associated feelings/sensations).
KATE The movie is still pretty much the same (whirl wind taking up the whole of the screen - but the screen fairly small). The whirl wind is a bit slower than before and my feelings are calm now, accepting.
WB Good.
KATE This morning I checked my whirlwind. It would be about 3 days since Ichecked it. It is now much wider and flatter. Just the top of it shows in the frame, so it looks like a flat oval shape with the outside a dust cloud moving slowly around a black centre. I don't feel anything in relation to it.
WB Okay. You may continue to do this every couple of days.
(A few days later)
KATE My whirl-wind seems to be flattening out - like a saucer just slightly on its side. It is wide but very thin, I feel as if it is going to disappear altogether soon.
WB How does it feel inside, the flattening out (compared to the feeling before)?
KATE I don't feel very much about it at all. I think, on reflection, that it feels less of an issue for me. Everything is the way it is, I don't need to visualize it.
WB Good. Then you may do it one more last time and say good-bye.
KATE Ok I've done this - it’s gone.
WB Okay.
CORE VALUES
KATE I am hoping that you will help me uncover my essential value. And I certainly need help with Self Remembering.
WB Okay. Let's start. Essentiel value (e.v.):
What do you think are your core values?
KATE Honesty, integrity, congruence.
I have great difficulty telling lies and have always been very truthful. I will not cover for anyone, for example tell someone else they are not there when they are. If asked a straight question that I do not want to answer truthfully, for example "Do you like my new dress?" I will say something about it for example, "I love the colour", but I cannot say "Yes" when I don't mean it.
WB It could sometimes be useful in life to be able to do this. There is no need to be always truthful except when one faces oneself. Truthfulness in all circumstances is based on a concept which you must have learned and is not what I’d call a core value. In some circumstances it might be better to not tell the (whole) truth. But I'm sure you must have done that during the education of your children at least in their early ages.
KATE Yes sometimes it is useful not to tell the truth and I did tell stories to my children about Santa Clause bringing gifts at Christmas. I cannot remember any other occasion except by omission. Even with this I can't remember anything that actually happened, but in general I don't believe in passing on information which I think will do no good and could hurt. I cannot think of any occasions when it was necessary to lie to them. … Yes I agree it is not always necessary to tell the whole truth and certainly there are things that have happened in my life that I haven't told them simply because I don't believe it's their concern.
WB Okay.
KATE I have difficulty accepting people who say one thing and then act differently. I have been told it's the message that's important not the messenger, but there must be congruence between the two for me to accept the message as truth.
WB Retrieve an example and associate with the feelings/sensations that were/are present. How do you feel in that situation when someone is not congruent?
KATE Angry, threatened in some way, threatened because I cannot trust them, I cannot depend on someone I can't trust, I have to be careful, I cannot be completely open, I have to protect myself. I feel insecure and I dislike feeling this way. That's why I feel angry. So what I really feel is insecure.
WB So, this definitely puts you in contact with what I call "original belief" (o.b.)
KATE I think I will read through your book again to help me clarify original belief and essential value. Is feeling insecure an original belief? Just for me or for everyone? I know of course that as babies and children we are very vulnerable. Is this where it comes from? If these questions will be answered by reading your book, then there's no need to reply here.
WB Much of it is explained in my book. Feeling insecure with a tendency to become angry is not "an" original belief but is originated by o.b.; It may lead to uncover o.b. that is deeper and more unpleasant; the unpleasant feelings you described were generated by your o.b.
KATE Ok. Thanks, I will read through your book again.
WB A small exercise:
Here and now. Take the same example retrieve and associate to these unpleasant feelings. Then stay with those feelings in a relaxed way, make sure you remain associated. (It's not the intensity of the feelings that matters but rather the quality. actually, the minimum of intensiveness is sufficient.) Not more than 15 seconds. This exercise has the purpose to "train" your nervous system to be able to accept those feelings instead of rejecting them.
KATE Ok I've done that. Do you want me to keep repeating this exercise?
WB Yes, you may do this from time to time; each time you may choose a different example. Were you able do it in a relaxed way? This is very important.
KATE I can do this two ways. The first is to put myself back into the situation which is what I did the first time in order find out what I was feeling. I had to allow myself to feel what I felt at the time, angry etc in order to try and work through why I felt that way. Of course it was not at the same intensity as when it actually happened.
WB Yes, that's not necessary. The minimum of intensity is fine.
KATE It is difficult to do this a second time because having worked it through it has lost its power. Should I be trying to do this anyway?
WB If it's not powerful enough, maybe not. That's why I suggested to take another example each time.
KATE The second way is just to see myself in the situation, bring to mind that I got upset and why and you might say observe myself. In both cases my external body is relaxed but when I try to feel the insecurity I do get a little worked up on the inside. My stomach feels a little tense. So I guess this is what I should do.
WB I can't figure out a big difference between the two ways but that doesn't matter. What is important is that you stay associated; it's not necessary to work through "why" you felt that way. The most important is that you "relax into" the unpleasant feelings, that you accept having them, that you do not reject them and that you do not have the idea of getting rid of them (although this is what usually happens). It's about using unpleasant feelings in order to "trace" new neurological paths by accepting them instead of rejecting them. A bit like martial arts: go with the movement of the enemy, accepting the aggression (unpleasant feelings) in the first run, and hopefully finding new and more elegant ways of coping with them without being disturbed by them.
KATE Ok, I'll continue with this exercise.
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Honesty
WB Now back to Honesty, integrity, congruence.
(you have to retrieve a higher logical level to answer these questions. it is not allowed to reply using synonyms. it is possible that the answer is the same for all 3 questions.)
WB What is important for you in being honest?
KATE Not having to hide anything.
WB Do you remember a situation (or several) where you have not been honest and where you have hidden something?
KATE Yes. There are lots of small ones of course but two that feel significant come to mind. They both happened around the same time around 14 years old. The second one was fairly traumatic (Details withheld). However this story has been told before and doesn't affect me now.
WB Good that it doesn't affect you anymore.
Nevertheless, I think it would be a good idea to tell your sister. If you don't want to do this at all for some reasons, then please tell me why. If it is important for you to know why I ask you to do this, please ask me. (I prefer you find out yourself why it's a good idea to do this.)
KATE I definitely do not want to do this. I feel a lot of resistance. I've thought about this a lot (since I read your email last night) and I've tried to see why I don't want to talk to her about it. I'm still not sure whether she would be hurt by it.
WB It's too important for you to not to do it because you think it might disturb her.
KATE Please advise me why it is important.
WB You must have felt guilty, at least partially, for what had happened. And as long as this is not "exteriorized", it will continue to imbalance your overall functioning. I would have asked you to do this even if she would not have been divorced from him. It is important to make it clear to all people involved (unless there's major ecological reasons like with your mother) that it's him the immoral and that it's not up to you to protect the immoral all life long by keeping it for yourself. You have to stand up to this. This was impossible at the time because you were too young, but now you can do this. There are issues in life that do not allow compromise. If you do, then you get compromised yourself.
KATE I accept what you have written. I don't know whether I have taken it on myself but it is possible so I will tell her.
(Several Days Later)
KATE I think maybe I was taking some responsibility because when I was thinking about what to say to her, the words in my mind were that something had happened between her husband and me. And then I realized what I was saying and thought no, it wasn't something that happened between us, it was something he did to me. And that is what I said.
WB Yes, very good. That should be very clear for everyone, including yourself.
KATE I am pleased that you got me to do this, thank you.
WB I think you did what needed to be done to get rid of "unfinished business".
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Integrity
WB What is important for you in living integrity?
KATE Other people know they can trust me. On reflection I think this might be simply seeking approval from others.
WB So this doesn't seem to be a core value either. What does this mean to you to live integrity in order to get approval from others?
KATE I suppose I want other people to think I am an open honest person. I want people to feel that they can trust me. It gives me a pleasant feeling when people show that trust for example by confiding in me. It doesn't seem to matter so much whether they like me so long as they know they can trust me.
WB So, basically your attitude of being trustful feeds your ego, do you agree with this? Ideally, it would be the best that you didn't care if others trusted you or not, do you agree?
KATE Yes, it would be better if I didn't care whether others trusted me or not. I can see that it feeds my ego. However, even though I can see this - I still care. It is one thing to accept that something is the case and entirely another to put it into practise. I think the need for approval, to belong, is a basic survival instinct.
WB A basic survival instinct for the ego/identity but definitely not for one's biological functioning.
KATE It gets distorted as we grow but to not have this at all I think one would have to be 'enlightened'.
WB No. that's not true in general… (continued later on in this section)
WB And why did you write this in a very categorical way:
"I think the need for approval, to belong, is a basic survival instinct...It gets distorted as we grow but to not have this at all I think one would have to be 'enlightened'." ?
And after reflection this seems to be no more an issue?
I don't quite catch this.
KATE It is confusing because I get confused myself. My first thoughts were general. I want to feel accepted by others. I still feel this, I don't want to be an outcast. I am not a very social person but I want this to be my choice and not because no-one can stand to have me around. I think that in general people need to belong to a group. The reason I think this is a basic survival instinct is because I think initially out-casts died and if we wanted to survive we had to ensure we could stay in the group (herd). (Perhaps I have confused acceptance with approval.)
WB My guess is that you refer to the instinctive center that we have in common with animals. I think we should use "approval/non approval" issue to the emotional center (in humans only); that would make things clearer. (All this is explained in the Ouspensky book.)
KATE However when you suggested I look at my actions on an individual basis and think about whether I'm doing something for approval or not, I realized that I don't do things for approval. At least not consciously. I don't think about it.
WB Okay.
KATE However, I think I must do an automatic check to ensure my actions do not gain me disapproval. And in my case I get all kinds of warning bells when I think they might.
WB That seems to be internal considering. It also has to do with not having enough self confidence which has to do with not taking all responsibility for what you do. When you take all responsibility, then fearing disapproval is not an issue. Being dis(as)sociated from possible disapproval, you can easily accept when what you do/did gets disapproved by others.
KATE It's true I lack self confidence. I wasn't aware this means I don't take responsibility for all that I do. But I suppose if I'm doing something to prevent disapproval then I'm really saying I'm doing this because of you and therefore I'm not taking full responsibility.
WB Right. It is necessary to take this into consideration from now on. Taking responsibility for what one does also means taking responsibility for possible disapproval from someone. No ic means to stand up to all that one does with all the consequences. It does not mean to no more accept criticism. It does mean to be able to reject criticism if you evaluate not being concerned (or to accept if it's right). Which means that you have to do even more external consideration to avoid separation. (Which also means to learn how to be angry with someone and at the same time keep good contact with him) it is also necessary to take responsibility for all that will happen when you stop ic. People around you are accustomed to that you do ic, and some won't appreciate if you stop this. People who are in ic are much more easily controllable and predictable. So, when you stop ic, be aware of some strange reactions from people who think they know you. Some might tell you that you've gone crazy.
WB I think more and more that it has to do with internal consideration; so we should wait for you having read the Ouspensky book and then continue this thread.
KATE Ok. The book is a 'heavy' one. This type takes me a while to read because I re-read sections if I don't quite understand. Should I read certain chapters first?
WB Yes, read the first chapter. then do a fast-read for what follows, and read more carefully when it comes to centers (intellectual, emotional, instinctive, body), s.r., ic-ec, unpleasant emotions and other topics that might refer to yourself.
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[KATE "I think the need for approval, to belong, is a basic survival instinct...It gets distorted as we grow but to not have this at all I think one would have to be 'enlightened'." ?]
(Repeated for Clarity)
WB No. that's not true in general, maybe for you. So apparently we're into a big thing which might be a leverage for our project. What would happen if there were no more approval? From now on, please work every day on this: "I don't want to depend on approval anymore in whatever I do", it should make no difference in whatever you do if there is or there isn't. Whenever you do something and you recognize that you're into anticipating approval, be aware of this and do it with the idea that approval might be nice but you do what you do because you do it and not because there's approval at the end. Approval works fine in educating children, and if the need for it is still there when you're an adult, you're not an adult in my definition of what an adult is. A real adult, responsible for her life, is someone who does what needs to be done without expecting anything in return. This has nothing to do with enlightenment, it's just a healthy attitude to live life. (Although I admit that most people on this planet are not adults according to my definition.)
KATE I have thought this through very carefully. I accept it is an issue for me. However it is not that I seek approval by doing things.
WB Never?
KATE Never is strong word and I wouldn't like to say never. But I cannot think of any specific occasions when I have done something for approval. But I think my fear of disapproval is really the same thing.
WB Okay.
KATE I just do what needs doing, or what I wish to do without thinking about whether someone else will approve or not, although I do try to be considerate.
WB Yes, to be considerate is adult, to go for approval is child.
KATE My problem is not wanting disapproval, specifically from people who I unconsciously see as authority figures. I don't have the same problem with peers (except perhaps in a group). I can tell you how I reached this conclusion if it's of value.
If I feel strongly about something, I will do it regardless of other people's opinions, however it's the small things that hang me up. I hate to be late for an appointment for example, and get all worked up even though I know this is silly. I hate bills being left unpaid and again worry about it, which is totally useless, if they have to wait, they have to wait. Other examples abound.
I guess what I need to do is re-live my examples in a relaxed way, would this be correct?
WB No, maybe later. I'm not yet completely clear about the approval/disapproval issue. on the one hand you write: "I think the need for approval, to belong, is a basic survival instinct...It gets distorted as we grow but to not have this at all I think one would have to be 'enlightened'."
And on the other hand you write:
"My problem is not wanting disapproval"
I got what you mean by this but what is the difference for you between "being considerate" and "avoiding disapproval"?
KATE Being considerate for me is thinking about others when I make a decision. For example if I make a dinner booking and children are included, making sure the restaurant provides a children's menu, or perhaps a play area. Something like this. Or if some people don't have much money, making sure that the restaurant is not too expensive. Or making sure the restaurant caters for vegetarians etc. Things such as this other people don't even notice so I don't consider it being a case of seeking approval, nor would they disapprove of me if I didn't consider these things (though they may disapprove of my choice of restaurant).
WB Yes, I'm all for being considerate. There is in the Ouspensky book, in Gurdjieff's teaching, a topic on "internal and external consideration". What you refer to is external consideration which is fine because it anticipates non separation, respect etc. internal consideration is a "problem" and needs special "treatment". It means many things like "keeping accounts" on what you think someone owes you, or something like wanting to do the best for the other and making compromises concerning one's own needs or having a sort of guilt feeling about doing things for others and not doing these things as good as they should be done etc. it always comes with a kind of a unpleasant feeling (quite often in the solarplexus area) that just doesn't feel right. Please check this in the book once you read it and then we'll come back to this.
KATE I think this is me.
I have received the books today so will start to read them this evening. Only read a little bit but yes internal consideration is my problem.
KATE Avoiding disapproval is not doing something that I think will cause people to disapprove of me as a person "She's always late." for example or "She tells lies.", or "She cannot be trusted." (I realize that I am protecting my identity but this is very strong in me.)
WB That refers to internal consideration.
KATE This (ic) is going to be difficult to change in me because I have been doing it for so long. I know about the bodily feelings I get. I will start working on it immediately but I think it will be a slow process.
WB Maybe, maybe not. it depends how much you (unnecessarily) suffer from this. (Please also read in detail in the Ouspensky book on necessary/conscious and unnecessary suffering).
Let's say you have a wound on one of your fingers that hurts. Doing the daily things, at first you might forget and then the hurting of the wound reminds you to avoid certain movements or to do it with the other hand. By and by you learn how to anticipate and use the other hand right in the beginning of the action without needing the reminder of the pain.
KATE Thank you, that is a good analogy. It does hurt, and so I remember, and gradually maybe it will become automatic.
WB Yes. And always find the part that doesn't completely assume.
KATE How do I find the part.
WB Even if it's painful (physically and/or emotionally), it's always better to assume than to ic. assuming sometimes leads to "necessary/intentional/conscious suffering" (with an end to it); ic always leads to "unnecessary suffering" (no end in sight).
KATE I'm a little confused with that no end in sight bit. Is it that it only ends when one does take full responsibility?
WB Yes, the unnecessary suffering only ends when one accepts necessary suffering which in your case means taking full responsibility. When you assume, sometimes there's suffering, too, but then it is necessary suffering (in a particular situation).
This is where you encounter your original belief (ob). In accepting this necessary suffering, a transformation is happening inside your nervous system in a way that you do not re-create separation anymore (in that given situation). By and by, when you do this in more and more situations, something is growing inside yourself which could be called "personal freedom".
KATE So with ic what I think happens with me, is I try to get rid of the necessary suffering by blaming someone (which is generally unconscious), and that brings in the unnecessary suffering.
WB Right.
KATE Once I reason it through and see that I am blaming someone instead of taking full responsibility myself (not only for what I do but also how I feel), then I can turn it around.
WB Yes.
KATE This is good. Prior to talking with you I didn't realize what I was doing and therefore was unable to do anything about it.
WB Very few people know about this.
WB From now on you should start observing, being aware of this phenomenon (ic). It is necessary to take a decision to get rid of it. Explore and understand the mechanism. Sense when it's active, the localization in the body. It is not possible to do an exercise and then it's better. It needs vigilance to be present/aware of it when it's coming up; the first signs are always physical. Each time ic appears, try to keep it small, do not allow it to spread in your nervous system. Ask yourself: do I refer to myself, am I self-referent or not? Most probably you are not entirely but at times it might be difficult to find that part which is not.
KATE Ok. I am already trying to do this but at the moment it seems to be after the event that I realize. I will try to be vigilant.
I'm unsure how I would ‘keep it small, do not allow it to spread in your nervous system’. And I realize this will not be easy "to find that part which is not self-referent."
WB The next situation in your life when ic pops up: again, be vigilant and try to "catch the enemy" when he's weak: right in the beginning of it's appearance. Then you may ask yourself: how would I think or act or feel without the presence of ic ?
And if you find a satisfying answer to this, then go ahead and act without ic according to the alternatives you just found.
KATE This last week-end there were at least a couple of incidences when ic appeared. Both were minor things - one was that I rode on a tram and didn't have a ticket because I didn't have change. (It is years since I was on a tram and didn't know that the machines don't accept notes.) The ride was fairly short but the whole time my stomach was knotted in case an inspector came on. I knew at the time that this was ic.
WB Yes, that's it.
KATE I knew that I couldn't do anything about the ticket except explain the situation if an inspector came on the tram. But I couldn't reason away the feeling in my solar plexus. Once I got off the tram, with a sigh of relief, it went away.
WB It's ic and it's again not taking complete responsibility; most of the time you can find this in ic, if not always. Taking your responsibility would have been taken (consciously and without ambiguity, you stand up to) into consideration when you step into the tram that there might be an inspector (disapproving), and that there might be a punishment (which usually is paying a certain amount of money), and that you assume this in that situation.
Next time you get an opportunity, do the same again, prepare yourself mentally and take complete responsibility for the possible consequences.
KATE I am watching for it all the time and perhaps it's just a case of reasoning it through each time it appears, sometimes with success, sometimes without. Perhaps gradually the times when I don't succeed will become less.
WB My guess is that finding the part that doesn't or didn't take responsibility will make the thing much easier to handle, also in advance.
KATE Could you explain what you mean by finding the part that doesn't take responsibility. I don't quite understand.
WB Concerning the part that doesn't:
When you start an action (this can be anything, like buying new shoes), independently if it is by spontaneous decision or by a well reflected one, make sure you take entire responsibility for all the possible consequences of this act. That doesn't mean that you have to think of all possible consequences (which is impossible), but to have an attitude like: whatsoever happens, I stand up to this decision. If doing this you feel that there is a kind of resistance for taking the decision, then you can check if there's a part which doesn't want to take responsibility. Of course, there might be something else (that has nothing to do with not assuming) which you may want to consider (or not) to start (or not) the action.
Concerning the part that didn't:
You may analyse, like in the example of the tram, where was the part that did not take complete responsibility.
KATE Ok, so I need to be prepared to take responsibility for any possible consequences of my decisions/actions. As I'm making decisions constantly so this is an ongoing process.
WB That's exactly it.
KATE What I hadn't quite got the first time, is this also includes unconscious decisions.
WB Right. And also decisions that you took 30 years ago and that still influence your life.
KATE For example when I don't speak out about something, when I just go along with the plan. When I let someone else make the decision for me you might say. This came out with the tram for example I went along with my partner’s decision, not realizing, (at the time), that this was a decision in itself.
WB Yes.
KATE So in life in general when I feel uncomfortable about a situation, I need to check whether I am taking full responsibility for myself in whatever is happening. Ok, this is coming much clearer now.
WB Good.
KATE I'm still not sure what you mean by the part. I didn't take full responsibility. I put the responsibility partially on my partner because he did not want to get off the tram and find some change. If I had been alone I would have got off. So I am not accepting full responsibility because I am partially blaming my partner. Either I should have got off and taken responsibility for this action. Or accepted that we may be fined and take responsibility for this. I didn't do either and therefore suffered ic.
WB Yes, exactly.
KATE The fact that I'm now conscious of ic will help me discover when I'm not taking full responsibility. And then work out in what way I'm trying to pass it onto someone else.
WB Yes.
Several days later.
WB How are things evolving concerning ic ?
KATE No issues. Very little has come up but when it does I recognize it immediately and resolve it.
WB Great
KATE Now, if I find myself laying blame it causes an immediate stop and think in me.
WB Good.
KATE If I feel anxiety, I work out where it is coming from and this again usually means I'm not taking full responsibility. The anxiety doesn't go away but at least I am aware of how I am creating it.
WB Isn't it that anxiety (present/past oriented, risk avoiding) transforms to apprehension (future oriented, risk taking) when it comes to responsibility?
KATE Yes you are right, it is apprehension, fear of the consequences. But I have to take responsibility now, in my action, for possible future consequences. In the past I have felt anxiety about an action but didn't analyse it.
WB Taking responsibility often also means taking a risk. And taking a risk comes usually with more or less apprehension. So the apprehension of taking a risk is an "okay" feeling which disappears rapidly. Apprehension is somehow a last "warning" sign (ecology check): am i ready for the "jump" or would it be better to not to go for the action (or wait or modify)?
KATE Ok I understand.
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Being Congruent
WB What is important for you in being congruent?
KATE Telling it like it is. Not feeling one way and acting another way. If I'm feeling sad for example, I want to act sad and not have to act happy so as not to upset others.
KATE My thoughts are not flowing very freely tonight. I think part of the honesty thing is really because I don't want to have to tip-toe around people always being careful in case I hurt their feelings by saying the wrong thing.
WB What would happen inside yourself if you did?
KATE Actually I do seem to hurt people by just being myself. It's not what I say but what I do or don't do. I'm not friendly enough, don't ask after everyone etc. Don't make an effort to speak to everyone at a gathering. I have no regrets with this stuff as far as I'm concerned this is their problem. Take me or leave me.
But if I spoke about something that I know would hurt someone that is different. I would feel very sad inside, that I would hurt them in this way. My throat would constrict with tears. I don't say things that I know will hurt even when I'm angry - perhaps because I know that this can be painful. (I'm thinking now of the hurtful things my brother-in-law used to say which were quite minor but still hurt, such as "You're not going out in that coat are you. It looks awful.") Although I didn't realize it, perhaps I relating back to that.
WB Yes, that's possible. There is definitely some over-emphasizing of these values; it is not balanced. For the moment, just observe this and be ready to let it go by and by (the over-emphasizing).
KATE Yes, I'll work on this.
WB okay.
----
KATE The other part is just being myself not having to hide my inadequacies. Perhaps I'm on the wrong track with regard to core values. Should I start again?
WB I'm glad you suggest to start again. It seems that you have good reasons for living these values and obviously they are not free from seeking secondary gain. But it's good having done this, so you now know that those are most probably not core values but rather values that feed or protect your identity.
KATE What I've said before seems to confirm what you are saying. The problem is it is difficult to know what are core values and what have been developed as self protection.
I have a thing about children being valued for themselves but again this could just stem from my own childhood. Could you advise me on how to try and get to a core value.
WB We're already on the way. The first thing to do is to "untie" the values that are in service of identity. What you can do already is: stop defining yourself by honesty, integrity, congruence. Doing this, maybe an something pops up which is not or less related to identity. Whenever something like this appears, please tell me.
KATE I have just sat and tried to clear my mind to see what popped into it. A few things came - caring, empathy, but I thought they might have come after.
WB Yes, that's probably minor values.
KATE Then I got "Being one" and then "Being one with the other". I won't expand on this for the moment - my only concern is that this has come from something I've read but have forgotten. However it does feel right.
WB Let's stay with "being one". How does it feel?
KATE Lovely, it gives me a lovely feeling. Content, comfortable, safe, relaxed. Even more that this, almost a feeling of joy.
WB Good. Now do the same with "being one with the other".
How does it feel?
KATE It's funny I thought it would feel pretty much the same but instead I get a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of tension in my stomach.
I thought it might just be my mood or something so I tried "Being one" again and immediately the feeling of lightness comes. And then again "being one with the other" and the knot in my stomach came back.
I haven't explored it any further than this.
WB Now try "being one with nature" and tell me what that does.
KATE Makes me feel wonderful, like I'm cocooned, like a baby being held by its mother. Nothing to do, nothing to worry about, safe. A part of everything, not important in myself but belonging to the whole.
WB Good.
Where there humans in nature? If not, re-do it and add (unknown to you) humans at the end when everything is fine.
KATE No humans.
Ok I did this. I felt some resistance to adding humans. I added children first, they were ok but it was more difficult to add adults. However they did become part of the picture. The feeling was still good but perhaps not as comforting as it was without humans.
WB Re-do it with the children, and when you're completely comfortable add some(vague) humans (very far away from the rest, "safe" distance), only as many and as far away as it needs for you to remain as comfortable as you are.
KATE Ok, I did this and felt comfortable with the adults being very far away.
WB Next step: doing it like last time and let the humans come nearer. When you feel the slightest unease, push them back to safe distance (maybe not as far as they were last time, but if necessary, then do so) and stay for some seconds with the good feeling and then stop harshly and do something else immediately without thinking of it anymore.
KATE Ok I did this. It perhaps wasn't quite as far as before but not much nearer, they are still pretty small.
WB The most important is to feel good and safe during the entire film. You may do this exercise daily and every time you start where it ended the day before. Let the humans come nearer and bigger and put them back in safe distance before you stop. Stay at ease with them approaching closer and closer.
KATE Ok I will do this.
WB okay.
(Several days later)
KATE Just as an aside I've been relaxing with being one with nature, not seeing it but just feeling it. I do it when I notice I'm a bit tense and it works great. Hope its ok to use it in this way.
WB Yes, it is a very good idea to take such a nice break regularly.
KATE I'm glad about that. I definitely feel better in myself since I started corresponding with you Wolfgang and better able to cope with what life is sending me.
WB That's nice to hear. And this is an important point: coping with whatsoever life presents, accepting and assuming that life brings up pleasant and unpleasant things to deal with. By and by you will become conscious of the already existing dimension beyond pleasant/unpleasant.
KATE That would be lovely.
(Evaluation one month from start)
WB What about "being one". How close are the humans now?
KATE The humans are in the picture - right up the front. But when I do it I prefer not to visualize, just feel. Then sometimes I check on the picture and it is very crowded now and I can stay with it and still feel calm and relaxed - although on reflection perhaps not quite as relaxed as without the picture but it's getting there.
WB Okay.
continue here
