(Several days later)
Kate I still don't have anything to report as such. The only thing that happened this morning which also happened a couple of times last week is that I seem to go 'dizzy' for a few moments. It's while I'm walking and all of a sudden I am unable to control the direction in which I'm walking and start to go sideways (lol) - sounds funny. I checked it out when it happened this morning and it's like my body has no weight and therefore I can't propel it forwards. Lasts for about 30 seconds.
Although there's nothing else to report, I actually feel like something is happening inside me. It is hard to explain but I feel as if I am accepting things more.
Also with what happened re not having ownership of my body. I feel this showed me that my body is not me and that in itself is a valuable insight. I don't know what will happen from here on, and while I want to progress, I feel fine with things as they are.
WB Okay, let's wait a couple of days.
If necessary, we re-ignition the car :)
Kate I don't know whether this is necessary or if things are slowly progressing anyway (even though there is nothing specific).
Currently I don't practise sr except for listening to the waves when I'm walking. I still like to feel one with nature occasionally. I haven't been reading much over the last few days but I do read a little Nisargadatta occasionally and have felt more drawn towards him the last couple of days.
WB My feeling is still the same: just live. Let accepting things take over more and more. Just don't get in the way. And keep telling me from time to time what you observe even if there's nothing special to report.
WB The intimacy you live when reality takes over is beyond words and thus hard to describe (as if words would never be able to do so); it can't be shared. On the other hand there is something indefinable that "knows".
Kate Thank you for sending me the above.
(A few days since last email)
Laughter
WB What made you lol (laugh out loud) last time ?
Kate When I read your question yesterday morning I couldn't remember the last time I laughed out loud and I thought perhaps I don't do this often. So yesterday I watched myself and I found I do it all the time. Yesterday (a day when I look after my grandson) I laughed with him several times, a couple of times with my daughter, and a few times with my partner in the evening.
WB Great!!!
Kate I wondered if you meant more of an uncontrollable laughter. These fits of laughter are usually about something totally silly. I get a picture in my mind and it just sends me off into fits of laughter, often I can't stop laughing long enough to explain why I'm laughing - trying to explain it just makes me worse.
WB Great, that's part of your ev. Did you laugh a lot when you were a small child?
Kate …I don’t remember but I probably laughed as much as other small children.
Kate Could you tell me why you asked this question?
WB That's an intricate question.
On the overall level, I usually don't know why I write or suggest this or that; it just comes up from my ev, like an intuition.
Kate Ok, I accept that.
WB Of course, I like laughing a lot, and during our meetings we spend much time in laughing.
Kate In this event I would probably laugh with you.
WB During our exchanges, there was not enough lol for me, so I wanted to know more about your "competence" on this :)
Kate I rarely laugh out loud when I'm on my own. Usually only when I read or hear (on the radio or tv) something that I find extremely funny. When exchanging emails with you (or anyone else) I am more likely just to smile. :)
----
Kate This morning ev was active as I walked along the beach. Last night I read your website and also read some Nisargadatta. This morning as I walked, it came to me that memories are not real, they exist only in my mind when I remember them and give them form. Many years ago I tried a hash cookie. I remember sitting on a seat and not knowing whether something had actually happened or if I had just thought it had happened - I couldn't tell the difference. This morning it came to me that there really is no difference in the now, both are just thoughts. We cannot change the past but we can change our memory of it because it is just a thought, a brain pattern that we call a memory. We give it substance, we say "it was real", "it did happen". Yes, it was real but it is no longer real, now it is just a thought.
WB Right.
Kate And as I walked with this understanding I watched the sea with new sight. I felt the waves wash over my feet and I felt part of the sea, I smiled it felt wonderful. And I had a second understanding, as soon as I try and 'think' of being one with all things, I am separate. But when I just allow myself to 'feel' I am one, then I am one. It's like being ‘one with nature except it's with everything and the picture is whatever my eyes are seeing. When I returned to the house, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. All my movements were heavy. As soon as I had a conversation I lost it but even now its residue remains, I sit here with a smile on my face, and a feeling of fullness in my heart.
WB One of the most difficult things to learn is not to become attached to the good feeling that ev can generate. Oneness is not necessarily linked with ecstatic feelings. Oneness is basically nothingness (including all possible feelings).
Kate Ok I understand. I don't believe I will get attached. My search, though hard to define, is not a search for pleasant feelings, much as I enjoy them. It is more a search for reality, for truth - including both the pleasant and the unpleasant.
WB … It’s important when you discover your ev that you don’t get attached to it. This has happened before. …
It's like a teenager falling in love: very difficult for him/her to not to dwell in it and to keep contact with common sense. So one also has to learn to let go the nice fulfillment feeling (not easy but indispensable).
Kate I understand. However as any of my friends and family would confirm, lots of common sense is one of my virtues/failings :) I am very much a 'feet on the ground' type of person. Possibly because of my upbringing.
WB Anyway, as it's a trap for many, don't ever tell me I didn't warn you :)
Kate Ok, and I accept that it may be a trap for me too so I will watch for it.
WB Memory is a constituting part of identity. When identity falls apart then memory also starts "leaking". In that respect it's a good sign. On the identity level, memory maintains the coherence of the identity. It is past oriented and consumes a lot of energy. When you start living life here and now, what happens is a detachment from what you think you are (which is based on memories of your past).
Kate Yes, I can relate to this.
WB So what makes it that one can remain functional when memory disappears? Memory doesn't disappear but it becomes nearly impossible to remember something that is not related to a present issue.
Kate That would be interesting.
WB You already referred to poor memory. Please check if this could be related to what I wrote above.
Kate It does relate to it a little, for example if someone asks me how to spell something then I find it very difficult to remember and yet when I'm writing my spelling is very good. Also the same with programming syntax I can't remember until I'm doing it, and I cannot give directions how to get somewhere but I can drive there ok myself. So once I have learnt something then I can 'forget' it because it has sort of become 'hard-wired', it's like my body remembers rather than my mind.
WB Yes, my terms are contextualized memory (referring to present circumstances) and identity related memory (based on past circumstances).
Kate And what about things like meeting someone and then a few weeks later bumping into them and not knowing that I have met them before. I guess that part is just poor memory.
WB I'm not sure it's poor memory. This might happen when you have not been in ec when you met the person a few weeks ago.
Kate Yes, that's possible. I am very unobservant. I don't notice when people have changed their hair colour or shaved off their beard. Although in general I do seem to have a problem remembering faces.
WB Without identity one can remain functional but one has to learn to trust that the necessary information from the past will pop up when it's needed. For example, being in the kitchen, and having the project to take the car, it is possible that one doesn't "know" anymore how to ride a car until one is sitting in it and doing it.
WB Is that clear enough? If not, please ask.
Kate Yes, I understand what you are saying. You wrote about this in one of your emails on your web-site. I know what you are saying but I cannot really imagine it - I think it is something one has to experience to really understand.
WB Yes, and it's good to have that information in advance (may help you to be a bit less baffled when it happens :)
Kate Ok, now that will be interesting! :)
WB Well, it's not as absurd as it may seem. When looking closer to it, all future acts are based on the belief that past learnings will function.
Kate Yes, I understand this. Lots of things are taken for granted on a day to day basis.
WB No-identity is disconnected to past learning-beliefs (although past learnings are still potentially available), so how can one know that one knows when there's no more belief?
Usually it functions (sometimes it doesn't) but one never knows unless it happens.
Kate I can see that this would enable one to see everything fresh instead of through a glass clouded by memories.
---
Acceptance
WB No, it's not necessary to define it [ev] in words. But it's necessary to not to hinder ev from generating words when this is it's intention (as it was/is in your case). EV finds its own ways to unfold; what is needed is: not to get in the way.
ev is your own uniqueness. Please re-read what I've written in my book concerning ev. on my website there's a search function where you can look for "essential value" and "e.v.".
Kate Yes, I did this. And last night after reading it, I felt from what was written that it was important to identify my essential value. This morning however it feels different - but then nothing feels too important right now, except the moment.
WB Right, whatever the moment makes you feel (from worst to best, all needs to
be accepted).
Kate Yes I understand. However acceptance has a different flavour when it's an acceptance because there is nothing else to do but accept, and when it’s a pleasure to accept.
WB No, the acceptance I speak of is the same in both cases !!!
WB Please meditate on this and tell me what that does to you.
Kate It seems that it is easier just to accept when the feeling is bad, when it is good perhaps there is some attachment to it.
WB This is still not yet quite it. The quality of acceptance that is needed in work on oneself is the same, no matter if you accept something pleasant or something unpleasant or something neutral. There's a wide range of feelings from very pleasant over neutral/indifferent to very unpleasant. Acceptance is on a higher logical level (although not dissociated from) than all possible feelings.
This acceptance might bring up detachment and equanimity (not indifference) which is close to nondual perception and related to sr.
Kate Acceptance sort of distances me a little, the pain is still happening to me but somehow I am not a part of it.
WB Yes.
Kate With pleasure, I want to get caught up in it, I resist that standing a little apart.
WB Okay. It's a good idea to "cultivate" acceptance in "regular" situations (instead of extreme ones like pain/ecstasy).
Kate Ok, does this mean that while observing myself on a regular basis I remind myself that I am accepting what is happening?
I presume I must learn to watch what passes whatever it is and not 'fall into it'. It feels like this would make me less emotional, a little 'colder' than I currently am. Is this correct?
WB Yes, that's most probably true.
It might challenge your female identity. Female identity is frequently based on expression of emotions, being emotional. "I am emotional, thus I'm a female."
Kate I might say this a little differently, "I am female and therefore allowed to show my emotions" :) Although in general I don't show my emotions.
WB Ev expression of emotions is spontaneous, popping up, present related, not sex-related.
Kate I thought about this and felt that most of my emotional expression is spontaneous and I honestly don't think any of it is gender-related. But then I'm perhaps more of the 'strong' female type. I don't get upset easily.
WB Identity expression of emotions is related to a (often hidden) personal interest (attracting attention, showing up etc.)
Kate I presume you meant "showing off". Yes I agree, but this is not my personality type, I dislike drawing attention to myself. Also I think this is not necessarily a female thing, but perhaps you are not making that inference here.
Kate However getting back to the being a little colder, less emotional than normal. I was not really thinking of how I would be viewed by others but how I would feel inside myself, particularly whether pleasure would have the same depth. But I think you have answered this question too - in the negative.
Kate I will work on just accepting pleasurable events, but I think this will be harder to do. As you suggested earlier I will use 'regular' events as my training ground.
[WB This is still not yet quite it. The quality of acceptance that is needed in work on oneself is the same, no matter if you accept something pleasant or something unpleasant or something neutral. There's a wide range of feelings from very pleasant over neutral/indifferent to very unpleasant. Acceptance is on a higher logical level (although not dissociated from) than all possible feelings.
This acceptance might bring up detachment and equanimity (not indifference) which is close to nondual perception and related to sr.
(Repeated for Clarity)
Kate Yes, I understand but I think it needs work on my part.
WB Please tell me more on what is your understanding of this and why you think that it needs work on your part. (Put aside my other suggestion concerning work on less extreme emotions.)
Kate Well if I take an example of when I went to the snow with my family. I loved going down the toboggan slope with my grandson (he's 3). We had a great time, we screamed and shouted and there was falling off and much laughter. I didn't observe myself and I didn't think about acceptance, I was totally absorbed in the doing, in the pleasure and the joy of it all.
WB The observer and the observed became one in this kind of scenario. This is a merging of two ev. You're in ec.
Kate When I read "this is a merging of two ev" a strong emotion rose up in me, it was only momentarily but it was like intense joy and sadness mixed together.
It's good to know that this is 'ok'.
Kate If I read a good book I get totally lost in it, I'm not standing apart accepting the pleasure of reading, I forget that I'm reading, I fall into the story.
WB That's what is called falling in trance; you forget the surroundings and are absorbed.
Kate Yes, this is true.
Kate These are two totally different examples but in both case I forget myself.
WB It counts only in the second.
Kate Ok.
Kate In one way I could say that I do accept because I'm not fighting the situation.
WB In the first example there was ec and ec is sr when with the other. The second there wasn't sr.
Kate ok.
Kate But if I compare this to my acceptance of pain it is totally different. I feel that my acceptance of pain is probably correct because as you said it brings up a certain detachment, a feeling of equanimity.
WB This is not the detachment/equanimity I mean. In your example it seems to me that you refer to an inner state
Kate Yes, I agree, I believe you are right.
WB What I refer to is not an inner state but rather a detachment of inner states.
Kate This is not happening for me.
Kate I feel that if I work on accepting all the same, whether pleasure, pain or in between, that I will distance myself from the things that I currently lose myself in (including uncontrollable laughter).
WB No, this will not be the case.
Kate Ok
Kate I feel that having a sense of detachment will make me feel less passionate, 'colder' within myself. It's fine to feel less a part of the pain, but not so fine when it means feeling less a part of the joy also. But I think that this is what is required in order for acceptance to be the same in all cases.
WB No, but let's take it from another angle.
Kate ok
WB What I'd like you to understand: a particular understanding of acceptance/equanimity/detachment which is always the same regardless if it's pleasant or unpleasant. To get a better understanding of the phenomenon, please do not compare (or refer to) past situations.
WB Let's try it this way:
Be in sr now, right this moment. Accept what is and what might come whatsoever that might be.
Continue reading when you're ready.
Kate I did this.
WB ...
...
...
...
...
...
You may live something extremely pleasant in 15 minutes, or someone phones and tells you that one of your daughters has had an accident.
Accept both eventualities in the same way. Live the two different inner states (one pleasant, the other unpleasant) and at the same time accessing a non-state of acceptance/detachment/equanimity. Doing this, the pleasant one is not necessarily less or more pleasant, same with the unpleasant one.
The accepting I'm talking of, always happens in the present (and hopefully, in future).
It is not necessary to "succeed" the exercise. It would be enough to get a glimpse of what I mean by acceptance/detachment /equanimity. And an understanding of what it doesn't mean.
Kate Yes, I got a glimpse of what it means and what it doesn't mean.
WB I'm relieved :)
Kate I thought you might be :)
WB :) :) :)
Kate I think I now understand and I know I am not accepting in the true sense. Knowing that I am not doing it is the first step but how to get there is something else. It doesn't appear to be something I can 'learn' to do, it's not a mountain to be climbed no matter how steep, it seems more like learning to fly and without wanting to sound defeatist, from where I am standing, it also seems just as impossible (for me).
WB Yes, that's exactly it (refers to all wrote in the last paragraph).
And here's what makes it possible: the ultimate "no-mind-tool" for this is: vigilance. This very moment. Beyond inner states. Not knowable but can be identified. Don't try too hard. Let the body be relaxed.
Kate Ok
Kate What do I do now? Beside acceptance :)
WB Be vigilant. Continue sr and ec and avoiding ic.
Kate Ok
Kate Nisargadatta said about acceptance "letting come what comes and go what goes. You are not what happens you are to whom it happens. Ultimately even the observer you are not."
I think I need to meditate on this.
WB Please read Nisargadatta while in sr and try not to analyse.
Kate Ok
----
Self Remembering
[WB What I refer to [acceptance] is not an inner state but rather a detachment of inner states.
Kate This is not happening for me]
(Repeated for clarity)
WB It has been happening to you when you tried to be in sr and when you had glimpses of sr; it's just that you didn't identify it as being this, and usually it doesn't create memory so it's difficult to say that it was present. The thing is to recognize it when it's present, here and now, this is the only way to "know" (non intellectually) that it's it. It refers to nothingness, absence of what is known or knowable.
Kate This morning when I walked along the beach I dropped into sr. I can go for a few days without this happening but it has happened a few times now.
I asked myself, can I accept all things now, and I tried to think of one of my children being in an accident but I couldn't think (feel) it. I thought, I can think of the future because I thought I will write to you, but when I tried again to think of my child in an accident, it wouldn't come. So I left it and just walked.
Then I thought I do feel the part of the sea and instinctively I looked down at my feet as the waves washed over them - and I had a surprise, they weren't me. I could feel myself from the inside, the waves touching my feet, the coldness, and the sun fairly hot on my left ear and I felt I was inside my body, but yet when I looked at it from the outside, somehow it wasn't me. It was a most peculiar sensation. When I got home I went straight to a mirror to look at my face and it was the same, it was there and I recognised it as me, but at the same time it wasn't me. I was inside my head looking through my eyes into the mirror but I wasn't my face.
WB This is definitely sr, maybe more.
Kate It's all very exciting. This morning particularly, it was so strange. I sort of think that I'm not meant to get too excited about it but I am anyway.
WB Try to be neutral and considerate at the same time (concerning what has happened on the beach).
Kate Yes, that's fine - memory of it is almost gone now anyway.
Kate What was so good about it was that it was unexpected - there was no way I had thought myself into it (if that makes sense), because I didn't know about it until it was there.
WB Yes, it makes sense, that's how I understood it.
WB Meanwhile you probably have looked several times into mirrors; is it still the same, that you just see a face without the face being identified as yours? When you look at someone else, is there a tendency to have the same strangeness (him or her not really to be identified, maybe even not being real, blurred?)
Kate I lost it almost as soon as I got home. I was so fascinated with myself, my body, that I never thought to check on my partner when I first saw him, and then I fell back into 'normality'.
Kate I know I was in it for about half an hour on the beach because, although I couldn't tell time-wise how long it lasted (which also feels a bit weird), I knew where I was on the beach when it started and how long it takes me to walk home from that point.
Kate Now when I look at my hands I feel an ownership that I didn't have then. It's like now I am my body on the outside as well as the inside.
WB Is that still present?
Kate Sorry, I probably didn't explain this very well. This is the normal me, feeling that my hands (and the rest of my body) belong to me, that I have ownership. Same when I look in a mirror it's all back to normal.
WB Okay.
WB Please continue to share your observations. I've not forgotten the other threads and will come back but for the time being I'd like you to stay with sr and vigilance; no need for anything else. You may read Nisargadatta from time to time when you feel like it.
WB Please also tell me if you're able to manage your daily work "correctly".
Kate I will definitely let you know when anything happens. Work's fine. It's hard to get motivated sometimes but that's pretty normal.
WB Okay. Motivation might temporarily completely disappear but it's necessary to continue doing what needs to be done on the functional level.
Kate Yes, no problem - the business has to continue and I'm quite firm with myself about getting things done when they need doing.
WB Good.
(A few days later)
Kate It's not just a lack of motivation. Yesterday I had a real aversion to doing my work, which is strange because I enjoy developing. However, once I got into it I was fine.
WB Now stop all exercising, no sr until I tell you.
Kate Ok. :( (Is this the sign for a sad face?) - just kidding
WB It could be that at times you're very much absorbed in what's going on in the present, like being drawn to here and now. All this might happen automatically. Ec is fine to do when with others.
Just be a witness to whatever happens in daily life and write it down when you feel it's useful (for me/for you).
Kate Ok, I'll do this.
WB Do not do anything to re-live what has happened on the beach. Do not think about it intentionally (if it happens automatically, like a flashback, then it's okay). Only read Nisargadatta if it happens automatically, that you are drawn to it. Try to live a normal life, as if there was never anything that longed for more. I know this is not easy but give it a try. What is important is to not to interfere with what is evolving.
Kate Ok I'll just live my normal life.
WB Continue sharing your observations with me.
It might take weeks or months to digest this but maybe it won't in your case. I never can tell in advance; it's important that I get frequent feedback so that I can tell you how to manage all this.
Kate I'm hoping that this means you don't think everything will just stop.
WB No :)
It's just that when the real thing tends to start, it's necessary to not to stop it by doing what you did to get it going. If you understand what I mean... :)
Kate Yes - you don’t' keep turning the key in the ignition once the car has started :)
WB Yes, that's it :)
Kate I'll let you know if anything is happening or not as the case may be.
WB Okay. If there anything like a vague strangeness, or a vague background sound or feeling, that's okay; just remain with it. There also might be moments when you feel like closing your eyes and just be drawn inside. That's fine, too.
Kate Nothing much happening here.
WB This has to be accepted like everything else.
(Several days later)
Kate I still don't have anything to report as such. The only thing that happened this morning which also happened a couple of times last week is that I seem to go 'dizzy' for a few moments. It's while I'm walking and all of a sudden I am unable to control the direction in which I'm walking and start to go sideways (lol) - sounds funny. I checked it out when it happened this morning and it's like my body has no weight and therefore I can't propel it forwards. Lasts for about 30 seconds.
Although there's nothing else to report, I actually feel like something is happening inside me. It is hard to explain but I feel as if I am accepting things more.
Also with what happened re not having ownership of my body. I feel this showed me that my body is not me and that in itself is a valuable insight. I don't know what will happen from here on, and while I want to progress, I feel fine with things as they are.
WB Okay, let's wait a couple of days.
If necessary, we re-ignition the car :)
Kate I don't know whether this is necessary or if things are slowly progressing anyway (even though there is nothing specific).
Currently I don't practise sr except for listening to the waves when I'm walking. I still like to feel one with nature occasionally. I haven't been reading much over the last few days but I do read a little Nisargadatta occasionally and have felt more drawn towards him the last couple of days.
WB My feeling is still the same: just live. Let accepting things take over more and more. Just don't get in the way. And keep telling me from time to time what you observe even if there's nothing special to report.
WB Info:
The intimacy you live when reality takes over is beyond words and thus hard to describe (as if words would never be able to do so); it can't be shared. On the other hand there is something indefinable that "knows".
Kate Thank you for sending me the above.
(A few days later)
Kate Thought I'd send you an up-date.
Last week I was feeling quite down - depressed is too strong a word but none-the-less I was feeling quite despondent. I wasn't sure whether I had lost it all and I thought about writing to you but knew that this too was something I needed to accept. I also had this pain in my neck which had started on Monday (last week), it was quite bad and I thought I must have twisted it or something through the night. This might have been the case but it seemed to fluctuate a bit, always worse in the morning but easing off through the day.
Anyway Saturday morning I awoke feeling the same heaviness in my stomach and my neck hurting slightly. I went for a walk and the heaviness seemed to lighten a little but it was still quite strong. Then around lunchtime I was just going downstairs (we have a living room upstairs) and I felt a click in my neck and my head suddenly felt lighter - not light headed but physically seemed to lose weight and I felt myself going into sr. It's hard to describe but it seemed like everything around me went out of focus - not with my sight (everything still looked clear) but with my mind (this included my own body but not to the same extent as before). I felt a little as if I was in a dream. Physically and mentally I felt wonderful. This lasted all day. When I was with my partner and later with other family members and was engaged in conversation I 'forgot' about it but then I would 'remember' and it was still there.
Sunday it had gone but I felt fine, no heaviness and no neck pain. Then this morning I woke with the heaviness back and the neck pain (neck pain only slight and wears off through the day). The feeling in my stomach feels like fear, anxiety, and it seems worse than ever, makes me feel a little nauseous and trying to make myself work is very difficult - I feel a real aversion to it. It's not that I want to do something else, I just don’t want to do anything. In my old Yorkshire expression "I feel like a wet week." In fact I didn't even feel like writing to you (which is not like me at all) but I thought I'd just let you have an update. Particularly about Saturday which was very interesting.
I'm not sure about the neck thing, could be a coincidence, but the depression I feel sure is linked to my progression. I do feel down now and again normally but it only lasts for a day or two at the most - this is going on much longer and seems much stronger and there's no external reason for it.
Anyway things do seem to be moving - the engine's quietly ticking over :)
WB Thanks for the update.
Much of what you wrote is confirming my hypothesis: you have lived a major existential breakthrough (eb). First, let me tell you that everything you describe is the normal reaction of the organism after having lived what you have lived.
What we need to understand is that those breakthroughs go beyond the capacities of our nervous system as it has become during the years.
I've never assisted in someone who has lived an eb who did not have reactions from his/her nervous and hormonal system during the weeks after.
There is possibility of all sorts of what clinically would be named as "neurological disorders", no motivation, sleeping, hormonal, memory disorders. Learning new things might be difficult.
You made an excellent typical observation: there is no retraceable reason for all these manifestations. They are part of the restructuring of the whole system and that is necessary to live freedom.
For the time being there's nothing you can do except accepting what happens and not being worried about all this.
Kate Ok to all above. It helps to know that this is necessary.
WB All this might stop immediately (without any reason) and come back abruptly (also without any reason). And there might be times when everything just flows.
Do not wait for an end to this or for anything else to happen. Just go with what's needed to organize and live normal daily life.
There's no way "out" of it :)
Kate Ok :)
WB Please continue to write me, I'm not surprised that you sometimes aren't even motivated to do it. That's why I repeated this several times in my former mails.
(Several days later)
Kate Things are pretty much the same. Some times I feel ok but mostly I feel the anxiety in my body. The feeling seems to have moved higher up in my body and is now in the area of my lower rib-cage, a constricted feeling. I am very unmotivated. I am still managing to work ok but I have to force myself simply because things have to be done.
WB What would you do if there were no obligations?
Kate I don't think I'd do anything very much, just sit around reading novels or staring at the sea, staying in bed late, taking naps. This is what I did on Saturday, I couldn’t even be bothered going for a walk. I seem to lack energy even when it's something I usually enjoy. When I walk now, I seldom run. Some days are better than others.
WB What about the quality of your sleep?
Kate I seem to be sleeping heavier than usual - hardly ever wake up through the night. I wake up naturally around 6am but usually stay in bed just dozing until around 8am.
WB Good idea. enjoy!
(few days later)
Kate Not sleeping so well now. Wake up through the night and find it difficult to go back to sleep.
WB What about sleepyness during the day?
Kate Yes. Mornings I'm ok but by the late afternoon I want to just sit with my eyes closed and by early evening I sometimes doze off for a minute or two. (This is not like me I've never been a person to fall asleep in a chair.)
WB Please continue to allow this to happen.
Kate Sometimes I feel a little disoriented, objects seem to be closer to me than they should be - it's like wearing someone else's spectacles. This only lasts a few moments.
WB Don't try to get rid of it when it happens; just go along with it and do what you have to do.
Kate Ok.
(Several days later)
Kate I am finding it very difficult to work. This has slowly got worse and the last few days I feel so scattered, I can't seem to remember what I'm doing from one minute to the next.
WB I understand; this is quite normal as well. Try to find a solution for this (reorganizing your work in a way to be able to do things without being interrupted). You may ask your partner to help you find a way of arranging the work circumstances.
Kate I'm not too bad if I don't get interrupted but this happens all the time and I can't remember what I was just doing. I'm writing everything down which helps but today I just feel as if I just can't think straight.
WB Yes, writing down things sometimes is the only way to remain "functional". I'm regularly evoking (when I'm with my friends) that watches, post-its and agendas are the most important things to have :)
Kate The depression comes and goes but it is here most of the time and makes me feel terrible.
WB Yes, you're into what I call "original belief".
Kate I feel so sorry for the members of my family who suffer from depression.
WB That's fine but don't go into this too much, though. What you live is not what clinically is called "depression". You live existential depression, a process that is necessary (and won't last forever) when identity falls apart.
Kate It seems to have slowly moved up my body and is now in my upper chest where it feels like a weight. Sometimes I feel quite emotional, close to tears. I don't want to do anything - not work, not rest, not pleasure - nothing seems worth while.
WB You once told me that you write down things in a sort of diary; you should do this now: the way you live your feelings, your reflections, the way you live life, the way you suffer from living what you live; all that comes into your mind concerning your present situation.
(Several days later)
Kate I am not as bad as I was when I last wrote but I still feel tired, no energy, no enthusiasm. I sometimes feel quite despairing. I wonder if I've fallen into a hole and am not sure that I'll get out again. I sometimes wonder if this has nothing to do with what happened before and this is just me, the way I am - which is not a comforting thought.
WB Yes, in a way it's you, the way you were/are without having being conscious of it. You have "peeped" into reality, the eb, and now you're in the shits.
Kate I laughed at this because 'in the shits' described it perfectly.
WB :::)))) great that you can laugh about this :::))))
WB That's the classical scenario; it's now become impossible to retrieve the compensatory motivation stimulators that are active in order to not to feel the terror of identity.
Usually, these compensators are focalized on the mechanism seeking pleasure / avoiding (non accepting) pain or discomfort.
One time in your life you have taken the decision to die before physical death, to come to an end of your evolution. This process is on it's way. There's nothing you can do but accepting what happens. Patience.
Not knowing if there will ever be an end to this, despair, no energy, tiredness, memory problems are part of this process.
WB There must be profound insights from time to time; please write those down immediately (if not, you may forget) and tell me.
Kate I wish!! No really Wolfgang there hasn't been anything. I've been re-reading Stephen Jourdain and what he says seems clearer to me but as for any insights, I've given up looking.
WB There will be!!! No need to look for it.
Kate Ok that would be good.
WB There could be strange scenarios with people as well (kind of things like: you knowing beforehand what will happen; living a new situation as if you have lived it already etc.; please write down immediately and tell me.)
Kate Nothing that I've noticed.
WB Okay, just in case, whenever happens something like this, REMEMBER telling me right away.
Kate I will enjoy telling you and so I will remember :)
WB Well, I hope so. I insist because so often I asked people to tell me and then they forgot to do so.
I know this because years later, all of a sudden, they came up with it. And then they remembered that I had insisted in asking them several times to tell me right away.
Kate Yes I can understand that. One is so busy living what is happening that telling Wolfgang becomes second place. But I promise to remember and tell you :)
WB So you write every day your feelings and pains? If not, do it, like a diary. That helps.
Kate I need motivation to write. I have tried and I've written a few sentences but the words are dead and there seems no point. Honestly I don't feel that there is anything of interest to write about. Although I've said before that I love to write, I have to have the urge, you might say the inspiration and at the moment that's lacking.
WB Okay, then don't force yourself. And don't hinder yourself either when there is an urge to do so.
----
(Two Weeks Later)
WB Hi Kate, how are you?
Kate I'm struggling Wolfgang. Some days I feel ok - ordinary. But most days I'm not too good.
Kate Last time I wrote to you was a very bad day but after that I seemed to come good (felt almost ordinary) for about 5 days. When I say almost ordinary, whatever else I'm feeling, I always have a sort-of 'not quite with it' feeling like I'm a bit distracted. It's like a nagging feeling in the back-ground as if there's something I've forgotten to do, but I can't quite remember what it is. It makes me feel a bit 'woolly' 'fuzzy' in my head. I don't seem to be able to think clearly.
WB Yes, that's normal.
(Two weeks later)
Kate I've been pretty good for a few days now. The depression seems to have worked its way up my body with different sensations in the different areas. The last phase seemed to be in my mind - it was just constantly churning. I was thinking about things that I really have no interest in but they went round and round in my head but that has passed now.
WB That happens from time to time; just accept; it'll pass eventually.
Kate And the depression seems to have finished, for now at least. I still lack motivation and sometimes find it hard to get out of bed but some days are better than others. Same with the tiredness, it comes and goes.
Kate I'm back to ordinary Wolfgang, well almost.
WB Good you said almost because the tiredness and lack of motivation may still be present for a very long time. Out of it is growing your real nature.
Kate To know that my real nature is growing out of it would be lovely, but I don't feel I can give myself that hope or I may look towards that end. I must and I do accept the way I am at the moment.
WB Right, I'm glad that you formulate it like you did.
There can't be any hope when 'the dark night of the soul' has taken over.
Kate I don't want you to get the impression from all the above that I'm unhappy or dissatisfied because I'm not. Life is life and it's just rolling along. Perhaps the insight I had is all I'll have and I accept that. It was very profound for me, it showed me, for myself, that I am not my body. I was shown something that no amount of reading, study or anything else could have given me. Perhaps there will be more insights and that would be wonderful
but if there isn't I still count myself very lucky, or blessed, or whatever term is appropriate. For after all I was given a 'peep into reality' and for that I am very grateful.
WB That is what I would call accepting!
There must be something indefinable unnamable emerging from far far away....now!
Kate I feel there is but it is very far and very faint and I cannot give it words even to myself.
WB THAT'S IT !!!
Remember regularly. There will never be words. And it will never get less faint or nearer.
Judging makes it disappear.
Beliefs/opinions make it disappear.
Negative emotions make it disappear.
You remember self-remembering? Now we need it again.
"Self" is now that very far and very faint unnamable and indefinable "thing".
And "remembering" is now to be conscious of it in whatever you do (except when talking to others), independently of pain or pleasure, of tiredness or dynamicness.
"Self" is beyond all that.
Kate Ok I will do this.
WB Please re-start sr right away and let me know how it evolves and if you have questions.
Kate When I felt the real sr before, it just came upon me. What I practised was what I called internal/external where I practised sensing both how I felt inside and what I sensed outside at the same time. However I can't seem to do this now. It's difficult to explain but it's like I have these soft cushions around my mind and when I try to direct my thoughts they just hit the cushions and go nowhere.
I do still have a sense of inside and outside at the same time but I don't actually do anything. However this is definitely not like the real sr.
I want to do something but I don't feel as if there is anything I can do except wait. However as you suggested, when not with others, I will stay aware of this "self" that is on the horizon of my mind. Please let me know if there is anything else you can recommend.
WB Forget about how you did sr before and also forget about how it was when real sr was present. Just stay with the awareness of "self" when on your own. This self relates to nothingness. Always here and now. No past, no future. You may read extracts from Nisargadatta from time to time.
Kate Ok.
WB Tell me about your overall body-feeling.
Kate My body feeling fluctuates quite a lot, but in general my body feels 'less there', has less substance (it looks still the same). I feel as if there are small areas of my body which are empty space. Also I quite often feel light headed, dizzy and I lose my balance for a few moments. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you.
WB Yes that's exactly what I wanted to hear and it fits to what I expected it to be. It's an important validation and means that everything is okay.
What happens when you look in a mirror? Look in a nearby mirror right now. The 'I don't see myself in the mirror' is directly related to the body feeling of 'less there'.
Kate I still see myself in the mirror normally. Perhaps there is a little less ownership but it could just be imagination. At the moment I feel a bit lost, a bit down. I feel as if I'm going nowhere.
WB Accept and contact your ev.
Kate I don't know how to contact my ev. Perhaps there is some resistance to it. Perhaps I feel that to live by my ev would involve too much change and therefore I'm not allowing it to show through. And perhaps I'm rambling :)
WB Be vigilant: become aware of the moments when you tend to re-create identity and do your best to "stay clean" and do everything to not to let identity take over.
Kate Ok I will watch myself.
WB It sometimes needs to be a warrior with a sword to get rid of identity attacks, sometimes it needs cleverness and sometimes it needs "letting go".
It needs every-moment-vigilance because the only way to "remain clean" is to become aware of identity arousals in their very beginning and act immediately in a way that it doesn't enter the nervous system (i.e. that you don't start believing in the reality of it).
Usually one is not capable of having that every-moment-vigilance right away so one is bound to "fall back" into the shits from time to time. Then there's not much that can be done except waiting for better times.
Kate Unfortunately I think I'm still very much in identity.
WB What makes you say this?
Kate I seem to have a lot of trouble accessing 'self'. I feel that I am caught in a whirlpool that is constantly pulling me down into identity and I seem to have little energy to fight it.
Kate Some days I feel very irritable. I don't like myself very much on these days. When I'm feeling irritable my patience is short and I find it very difficult not to criticize others even though I'm telling myself not to do so.
WB Irritability and impatience is the result of non acceptance the (necessary) suffering.
It is a must to accept the suffering of being confronted with your existential pain. Never allow yourself to make others or circumstances responsible for this suffering, not even in thought. Be vigilant.
Kate Ok. I accept what you are saying. From before I worked with you I was always aware that when I was feeling irritable, it was the feeling already present that was causing me discomfort and not the happenings around me. However even though I am aware of this I sometimes find it hard work being patient when I am feeling this way (irritable) but I am working on it.
WB Yes, I understand this. The solution here is to be vigilant of the suffering you (should not) avoid BEFORE (up to a minute or more) you feel irritable. This irritable-feeling is a result of not having accepted something (related to suffering) usually an instant before the irritable feeling arises, or there was a judgment. It needs much vigilance to be aware of the particular kind of suffering the very moment it arises and "relax" into it; then there will be acceptance and no irritable feeling.
Do you understand what I mean?
Kate I think so.
I think currently I object to the feeling, I want rid of it. So although I'm not blaming anyone else for it, I'm not accepting it either.
Ok. I am already very aware of it when it happens, so next time I will try to relax into it.
WB Make sure you relax into the (unpleasant) feeling that is present right before you feel irritable.
Kate Ok, I will be vigilant.
WB Now this is an overall device: whenever you feel something unpleasant, relax into the suffering, feel your body when doing it.
Kate Ok I will do this.
WB And when you're feeling irritable seek inside yourself what you have rejected (should turn around necessary suffering).
Kate Sometimes the irritability just comes upon me, there doesn't seem to be any reason for it. And just as it comes, it also just disappears.
WB Okay, no reason.
WB How long is it usually present?
Kate It may last a full day, sometimes perhaps 2 days although this is rare, or it may be only half a day. It always last several hours. And I am always acutely aware of it.
WB That's definitely much too long. What did you try, to get it going away?
Kate This kind of background irritability that comes upon me is just like the depression that comes without reason, or the tiredness. Maybe it is to do with the cycle of the moon or my hormones. Sometimes I get it before I have a bad migraine. I don't think it is important. When it's there I just deal with it and try very hard not to let it wash over into my interactions with other people. Normally I don't get it very often perhaps one day a month. Lately it has been a bit more prevalent but for me it all just lumps in with feeling 'in the shits' as you so aptly put it earlier.
WB Always check if there wasn't any avoiding as described before (or a judgment).
Kate Ok. I think its more that when the feeling is upon me, then I am more judgmental. Although I do try not to be.
WB You're probably more aware of it when the feeling is upon you but what is necessary is to find the (hidden, unconscious) judgment or the avoiding of an unpleasant feeling that happens right before the arising of the irritable feeling.
Kate Yesterday I noticed a mild irritability arising on two occasions. Once when I was (unjustly) criticised. And a second time when my opinion was disregarded. The irritability lasted only a couple of minutes in both cases because I reasoned with myself that it wasn't important. I suppose both these feelings touched on my pride.
WB That's a very important observation.
Kate This feeling of defending myself is automatic and I'm unsure that I can or want to get rid of it. I suppose I am proud of the way I am. I know that I am who I am because of a coming together of a group of circumstances but I am still basically hooked on my identity. It is still who I feel I am.
WB What's that? You're unsure that you want to get rid of it? Of course you will get rid of it if you want to. But first you have to want to. You just discovered an important mechanism that creates identity (and unnecessary suffering) and now you're not sure if you want to continue work on yourself?
That wouldn't make sense. Please explain, maybe I misunderstand something here; I'll come back later to the other parts of your last mail.
Kate It's true I don't always make sense even to myself. I do want to work on myself but I am afraid, I feel very vulnerable, I want to keep my shell. I tell myself that it is only my identity that I am protecting but it still feels like me. I have a bit of a war going on inside myself. For over 50 years I've built up this identity. I've tried to understand it, I've worked on it, I've learned to take pride in it. This process has not been easy.
Now I have to let it go. Part of me screams no, I've worked too hard to build it up. Another part of me says it is only an illusion, there is nothing there to hold onto, nothing to protect. I know I have to want to get rid of it but I have to want it with my whole being and the problem is I'm still caught up in it.
Kate I think I'm tripping over myself Wolfgang. I tend to be a bit all-over-the-place at the moment. The automatic defending of myself - yes I want to get rid of this. I don't know why I joined this sentence together
"This feeling of defending myself is automatic and I'm unsure that I can or want to get rid of it."
What I'm unsure about and what my previous email is all about is not the automatic defence but actually defending myself verbally when all I'm really defending is my identity.
I hope this makes sense.
WB Yes, that makes sense.
It's clear that identity won't give up easily. On the contrary, it will do everything to remain alive. And it's cunning and tricky.
Kate Yes, that makes sense to me.
I sometimes find it very difficult to know when making decisions whether I am working from my identity. It can be difficult for my partner because one day I'll say this is the way I prefer, and then the next day I've done a 180 degree turn about.
(I wrote this earlier - now I think that my decision changing was because I was fluctuating between 'I am strong and independent' and 'I am vulnerable and need to protect myself' (see following). Perhaps now I can see things much clearer.)
WB Yes, I'm sure of that.
WB "I feel very vulnerable, I want to keep my shell."
This is probably identity speaking and trying to convince you that you're not to give this up.
It could be a core belief "I feel vulnerable". A core belief is one of the basic "bricks" of identity. You can verify in looking at you past life and see how often it influenced your decisions.
Kate Most definitely a core belief for me.
This I acknowledged straight away but it was still something I needed to think about because it wasn't totally clear how it influenced my decisions.
Looking back it seems to be that my life went a little like this:
"I feel that I am vulnerable." - Original belief
"If I display my vulnerability I will get hurt." - This came about around early school years aged 5 - 7. Initially I think it was based on physical hurt ie bullying which was rife.
"Even though I am vulnerable, I will appear strong." At least by the age of 8 if not earlier. Even though physically weak I was left alone by bullies.
"I will be strong, independent, and appear not to care whether or not I have friends." This was present by the age of 12 if not before. Now I was protecting my psychological self.
"I am strong and independent." This has been my adult life and anyone who knows me would confirm this (I think my partner may sometimes see through the chinks in my armour). So my life decisions have been based around this last statement "I am strong and independent", but in fact my belief was still "I am vulnerable".
This has been a real eye-opener for me.
WB I agree completely with all you wrote. A major insight.
WB There is a well known saying "to die before you die". It is like dying when the illusion of identity disappears. A whole life has to be left. A life with ups and downs with joys and suffering. and it took so much efforts and learnings and deceptions and hopes, and now it's about to leave.
A very difficult step yet indispensable at this point is to admit that it was a "false" life based on erroneous suppositions, beliefs and not-knowing, a lie.
It needs a firm decision now. What do you really want? And when you look deep, most probably you have to admit that there's no way back to "normal ignorance" even if you wanted it. You only can go on, not knowing what will happen. This very "not knowing what will happen" is part of the "very far and very faint and I cannot give it words even to myself". This is your true nature. All the rest is illusion.
It needs a clear orientation and direction now.
Kate Having worked through and seen for myself ('I am/feel vulnerable' - 'I am strong'), how my life has been based on a lie. I can now let it fall.
Today, writing this I am not afraid, in fact I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. I know that the fight is not over, my identity is still there and kicking, but I have clearly seen through it. I am ready to move forward.
WB "This feeling of defending myself [related to pride] is automatic and I'm unsure that I can or want to get rid of it." Should now become something like "This feeling of defending myself [related to pride] is automatic and I want to get rid of it, it's disgusting, it's not what I want, it's not me; I'm fed up with it."
Do you agree?
Kate Yes, it has to go, it's totally stupid.
WB There's nothing to be added from my side. I have no words, I'm "speechless" :)
And also I feel relieved.
Kate Another thing that I've learned from this situation is that I cannot force it, I cannot tell myself that I must have the courage to move on etc.
WB Right.
Kate I simply have to see through my identity, see it for what it is. Which is what I've been told all along of course.
WB :)
Kate And it is now clear to me that there is no formula and therefore it is very important to have someone who can help me see outside the circle of my identity. To point out where I'm bumping into myself.
WB Again, I agree completely with all you say.
Kate And I very much appreciate your being here for me Wolfgang. Thank you.
WB You're welcome.
