January - May 1999
(Translated from German into English by Joel Agee)
M.:
For as long as I can remember, I have lived my life in a way that was neither associated nor dissociated. I just experienced it. It's a position in between. I never felt as if I belonged. Ever since I learned to read, I looked for teachers, because what I wanted to learn I couldn't learn from my parents or from the people I met. I want to know who or what I really am. I write this, and yet I know that I avoid it. But now my inner suffering is getting worse and worse and this desire has started to take on a life of its own.
I am married and have two children. I work on a freelance basis in Information Technology Services (Consulting and Training). I have attended seminars in transactional analysis, focusing, NLP (Master Practitioner), and most recently Stephen Wolinsky's Quantum Psychology. In October I'm beginning a course in Feldenkrais training.
I always thought: now I've got it, now it'll all work out, I've reached the goal, without ever knowing what the goal is. I don't sit down to do Stephen's exercises for dissolving identities. I get overwhelmed by uncontrollable moods. I experience them and see it all really clearly, but then I don't do anything. All the NLP, all the techniques, I don't do any of it. I searched your book for this kind of help, but all I found was references to your seminars. "Being able to motivate myself at any time and knowing how to change my moods" -- that one stood out for me. That was wind in my sails, another impulse to try and fail again.
I can't give it up and I can't take it all the way to the end. I'm sick of running from one spiritual seminar to another. I can feel there's something inside me that I'm after. I have experienced it, it was peace and a sense of having arrived, and then the comedown was worse than ever. I've given up wanting it back.
I thought I had it all together, until my first child was born. Then all that stuff from my own childhood came flooding in. The horrible fear of being alone, and my parents' aggressiveness; except now it was me being aggressive toward my child, and this almost tore me apart.
Today, with a great deal of effort, I manage to keep my external life, my marriage and my role as a father from falling apart. But I dream of getting away from it all, of no longer existing. All this flipping from one mood into another, constantly falling in love with other women, which turns my life into a hell, because it keeps repeating itself.
I don't know what I want from you, Wolfgang; I guess not to be alone with all this craziness. I have no one to talk to about these things. People look at me with such pity, and as long as I do a good job, they put up with my crazy talk.
I play my part in life, but I'm not in it. It's not my life. I can't even tell my wife that I love her, because I no longer have any love; no aggressiveness either -- it's almost like being dead. I read Stephen Jourdain's book "Insights of an Enlightened Chain-smoker", and my Koan is: I AM ALONE.
I notice how my attention is weakening and also my interest in my profession.
I'm sick of computers. I like Feldenkrais work. It brings me back to my body, which I've neglected, because I don't do any sports, any yoga or autogenic training.
What moved me to get in touch with you was simply the fact that aside from Dilts you are the only one who doesn't use NLP to mess around with other people's heads. I had pretty much turned away from NLP. Then Wolinsky came along and your book, and both led me back to what I used to enjoy very much but never really put to use.
I was never able to apply NLP to and for myself. You did that for the first time. And now I'm learning from your example.
Wolfgang:
what did you enjoy but never put to use?
what exactly are you learning from my example?
what is your goal in life?
What did I enjoy but never put to use? The way I stopped existing during my NLP training. The planning and scheming ego was no longer there. (I) was a process, a gliding, a being-with-the other. No goal, no plan. I was everywhere and nowhere.
Whatever next steps were required would happen all by themselves, or maybe there was no next step.
It wasn't that way when I wanted to work on myself. I couldn't apply it to my own life. Not that I hadn't mastered the techniques, but the resistance was so great, and I never got a handle on it. In working with others, yes, but not with myself.
During the training we did an exercise in which we were supposed to clarify what we were identified with; I'm a husband, a father, a lover, an ITS expert, etc. Then we had to find the most central identity, and then we were told: this one is untouchable, when this one gets taken away I no longer exist, so this one has to be left untouched.
that's precisely what has to happen if one wants to get to the end of one's evolution: to stop functioning as an identity and nevertheless behave in one's daily life as if one still had one. what year was that? how long did it last?
I figure it was around 88/89. This "I no longer exist" only existed during the NLP meetings. In normal life I certainly did exist. And then it was twice as bad, because I insisted on making it work anywhere at any time, and especially inside myself. It still happens today when I teach. During my ITS trainings it also happens once in a while. I've given some coaching and NLP trainings in the business sector. Then it gets really intense and lasts for a long time. I don't have a permanent concept. I do what has to be done at the moment. Sometimes I think I'm going to get stuck and then I'm surprised by the way it develops.
Near the end of the training I started putting down my trainers in my own mind, I found them incompetent and unethical. And then the whole method looked like garbage to me.
You asked "what exactly are you learning from my example?"
To go on where the work on identities stopped back then. To keep asking questions. To realize what you say in your book, that 1% of us is involved in life and the other 99% are behind it or somewhere else. What I mean by "your example" is that you went beyond the point where I stopped.
that's not something you can imitate or pick up from someone else's example. it can only serve as an incentive to believe, to sense that this is possible (for you as well).
What I can learn from you is to begin by applying NLP to myself and not to others.
You asked: "what is your goal in life?" I don't have a goal. I have no vision, no aim. Goals have never worked out in my life. If I do have one goal, it's to be myself and to put the baggage of my childhood in its right place. A life in freedom. Being free to make decisions without the fog of alienation I grew up in. My goal is not to have any goals, so I can perceive everything the way it is and to always make fresh decisions. My goal is to be in Being, without Future Pacing, without visions that block my view.
do you realize that your last two sentences don't apply to what i've called the functional part of life? to be in being means in effect to no longer have any visions. but ordinary everyday life with all its obligations doesn't get in the way of that. please read "i am that" by nisargadatta. during this time, how did you deal with unpleasant events and encounters?
I experienced them. And then I wanted to work on them with NLP. That usually didn't pan out, and I got even more frustrated. I understood everything clear as a bell and DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING. No reframing, nothing. I believed it couldn't work for me, or else I didn't want it to.
what do you think was the reason for that?
The reason is that I'm not worthy of feeling OK. If I'd be doing better, and if I were happy, then my parents would have "won." It would be a feather in their cap. I wanted to stay the way I was. And to say LOOK HERE YOU BASTARDS, it's your fault. Winning by losing is what Stephen calls it and I understood that. What I mean by "understood" is that I'm not doing that any more. I'm not blaming my mother any longer. I would say that until today, my aim was to get back at my parents. They were my target. And now I'm looking into other possible directions.
you created the target and you can simply make it disappear by killing all the associations related to it as they arise, as if with a dagger. best of all would be if you stop creating any target-thoughts at all, (or shoot them or stab them whenever they turn up) and instead turn your gaze inward (to your existential suffering of not being free).
I still have a bad relationship with myself. But the moments of liking myself and enjoying myself are multiplying. By now I feel worthy of taking part in Feldenkrais meetings and enjoying them.
Also, now, after Jourdain, my dreams are more pleasant.
I'll follow your advice, Wolfgang, and not do anything to change my outer circumstances like family, job, etc.
good.
I'm afraid that when I get to the end of this I'll end up in a madhouse and my family will have to fend for themselves without me. (Is that an identity that says this??)
yes.
to arrive at the goal (and not to have to be afraid of landing in the loony-bin), it's absolutely necessary to remain functional and carry out one's work and family obligations as conscientiously as possible. To constantly act as if everything's ok.
I'm also spending more time with my family or by myself, or visiting seminars. For some of my business partners this doesn't look OK at all. It's quite OK with me and my family.
At the moment I'm attending a seminar in Memmingen, and a lot of the time I'm uninterested in the subjects that are presented. All this running and hustling no longer touches me.
sounds good.
These are all changes compared to the past. How should I deal with this? Be nice even if I don't feel like it?
yes. unless it's time to give the other guy a lesson.
Work, even if it's not necessary???
do everything so that you don't stand out. give plausible excuses, and when that's not possible, bite the bullet. let no one know what's going on inside you. be like a chameleon, outwardly adapting to your environment.
***
It's a lot of fun exchanging e-mails with you, and what you write makes sense. I accept your advice and will continue "undercover."
okay.
Ever since I started corresponding with you I've been sort of settling into being normal and inconspicuous and into being nice at least some of the time. Now I don't seem to be getting anywhere. The experiences I used to have are gradually fading away and I'm turning into an average Joe, something that used to scare me a lot.
sounds good.
I simply accept it and figure I'll find out how it'll all go on. Just now I had the impulse to ask you for an exercise I could do every day; but I already didn't do Wolinsky's exercises, so I won't bother.
After the last ITS seminar I attended in Munich, I canceled all further ITS seminars -- I'm no longer interested. I get such tremendous satisfaction out of being with my family, which didn't use to be the case. On the one hand I would say I'm settling into insignificance, on the other hand I'm getting more in touch with myself, whatever that may mean.
very good.
Tomorrow my parents are coming for a visit. Can you give me some pointers as to how I can deal with them, or rather with myself while they're here?
I have a lot of rage against my mother, but I know this is not the same person who treated me that way years ago. I feel so torn inside. On the one hand I hate and despise them both, on the other hand I feel sorry for them.
no one is responsible for your not being free (yet).
everything was the way it was, and everything is the way it is.
if you no longer project your rage at your mother or at anyone else, you will be confronted with the pain of your separation (your original belief). this confrontation with yourself is something you must learn to endure if you want to be liberated.
every time you think of your mother or see her, accept the feelings that arise within you and -- this is extremely important -- detach these feelings completely from your mother. accept the fact that this can be very unpleasant. take your time learning how to deal with that.
***
I got through my parents' visit all right. I find being "normal" extremely difficult. I have almost no contact with my wife, and I'm getting more and more sick of my job. I don't see any way out either.
yes, that's what it's like when the original belief manifests.
"the dark night of the soul." ever hear of it?
i myself spent three years vegetating in this condition while working as an nlp trainer and psychotherapist. the important thing is to let everything go on as usual. changing anything in your external circumstances wouldn't change this no-way-out situation in any way.
to live liberation in a lasting way, it is indispensable to "get used" to this "no-way-outness." there's no getting around it. going through it is "normal."
I'm not happy any more, I'm neglecting my body and letting everything take its course without any real commitment. Somehow it's all the same to me.
it couldn't be any other way.
Should I "pull myself together" or let it all flow, or what?
the only important thing is that you do everything that's required of you as conscientiously as possible, as if it wasn't all the same to you.
this doesn't alleviate the hopelessness and the "all-the-same"-ness, but in all probability it will shorten the time of your suffering.
"letting it flow," all that good old new age ideology: dump it. it's not even good for recycling.
"pulling yourself together" -- i wouldn't call it that either; it smacks of making a deliberate effort to do something you basically don't feel like doing.
no, that's not it. it's more like: i don't give a damn what i feel like, i just do what has to be done, just like you pee when you "have to."
as for your body: feldenkrais is the best approach i know.
a recommendation: regularly visit a good trainer in your area.
for any other complaints: a competent homoeopathist-acupuncturist.
I don't feel like going to sleep and in the morning I don't feel like getting up.
that, too, is perfectly normal. when the identity is falling apart, motivational strategies start to collapse. nevertheless keep doing what's required.
inner states are completely irrelevant. whether you feel good or not so good, you just do what you have to do. after a while you get used to not caring how you feel. then you're no longer dependent on feeling good or feeling bad. it just becomes meaningless. and you will develop strategies for doing good, even excellent work, or carry out your paternal role to the satisfaction of all, even while the worst sort of horrors are taking place inside you.
normally no one should notice what's going on inside you. you can be sure you're on the right path when people praise you or compliment you for seeming healthy, balanced, or even dynamic, while at the same time you are feeling the most extreme, inescapable hopelessness you can imagine. talking about it doesn't help (on the contrary), unless it's with someone who has had the experience and who also knows what it means.
In one of your e-mails you spoke of existential suffering and said I should have a look at that. Well, I may have done that today as I was driving to Augsburg. Before I left, my wife told me pretty clearly that she thinks it would be best if we separate. That is, if I would leave.
what do you think, or what does she say, is the main reason why she wants a separation?
Because I no longer seem to feel anything for her. Because I get all worked up about movies like "Der Herr der Gezeiten". Because I fall madly in love with other women. Because we don't have much sex. Because I don't get along with the kids. Because I'm more of a burden for her than anything else. Because I've often hinted at the fact that I believe I'd be freer without her and the children.
that is an illusion. being free doesn't depend on circumstances. Situations that are considered "difficult" are as a rule more rather than less conducive for a person who seeks to be free. as long as your wife doesn't actually kick you out, i would recommend that you not move out for the time being.
I've been carrying this around with me all this time, noticing my total lack of interest, and then it was there inside me, this sadness, this hurting everywhere.
this sounds perfectly normal, natural and human to me.
It's the basic mood of my life behind everything I do, this despair, this sadness, and also hopelessness. A lot of things went through my head, what should I do with it now? What technique should I use? Where can I find help, who can help me now in my condition?
no one. you are alone with it. with the primal pain of not being free. anyone who really wants to be free has to go through it.
Then I let sadness be sadness. And didn't do anything to get rid of it or change it in any way.
probably because you (accurately) sense that nothing really helps.
Meanwhile I'm at the hotel looking back on it all, but I still feel it, it's real suffering. It's always inside me and always there, I just don't always notice it. The better my marriage, the better the job, the more it recedes into the background. It's a permanent inner crying. Who is crying over what?
there is nothing worse than the pain of separation. bear it, like the captive indian bound to the stake and tortured. when you were a little child living through the various phases of defiance (the step-by-step development of your "I"), you probably felt the same thing. back then you had the hope that later, when you were grown up, you would be able to make up for this pain with a fulfilled life. now this last and most important hope (which was illusory from the beginning) is in the process of dying. what remains after that is nothingness itself. This nothingness is freedom. nirvana means "nothing."
this doesn't happen in a day.
that inner crying is like a junkie's withdrawal symptoms. your drug was the hope for a life without this pain. a life without this pain is only possible when this hope has burned itself out and you are no longer dependent on it. this process is accompanied by hellish withdrawal symptoms.
but mysteriously you will nevertheless always have enough strength to manage your outer circumstances.
***
Today I acted on your suggestion -- I'm being friendlier to people around me. I don't have to put them in their place by showing them that I'm evolving more than they are. I can let them be. I've stopped marshaling forces for the sake of external pseudo-self-gratification.
It's easier to live this way, for everyone involved. I don't have to force the truth down people's throats.
i can hardly imagine that, given the state you're in right now, anyone wants to hear your truths :-) (just kidding).
This morning I spontaneously began with yoga and I didn't overeat today. It's fun.
very good.
***
I want to get back to where I was before this whole soap opera began. I've gone far enough in life, I've proved myself in action, now I want peace with myself and other beings. I am tired, very very tired. Sometimes I rouse myself, try to impress people, get ahead, make it to the front rows of success, and then I notice what I'm doing and then there is emptiness. It's all pretty wretched.
A vacation. A vacation from myself as well. You know, Wolfgang, sometimes I really feel like dying. Then I would be at peace.
if there were no enlightenment, all the enlightened would probably have killed themselves.
"die before you die" someone said once.
I often feel held back and handicapped by my children. And when something happens then, I yell at them quickly and loudly. It's a precise carbon copy of my own childhood. I can't and don't want to deal with my children. My wife says they are products of our love. That hurts . . .
What love, where did it go? There are some very rare moments of happiness with my wife and children. And recently I prefer being at home.
But I'm not there, it's as if only one part were there and the other parts were gone. As if I had betrayed those parts when I founded a family. After swearing so sincerely that I would never become like that, let alone marry or even have children.
I refuse to be happy and content -- that would mean that my parents had won. They would feel that they'd things right back then. I want them to suffer the way I suffered. And I don't want to take care of them when they're old. I reject them, I reject my children, my wife, and especially myself. I don't want to be myself any longer. I don't want to have to be at the top of my profession. I don't want to have to catch up with the newest developments. I want to be simple. A simple human being. Without cravings for revenge or a sense of mission.
yes, that sounds good. ok, now memorize this and remember it every time this comes up:
your wife, your children, your parents only exist when you are directly in contact with them, i.e. on the telephone or in the same place. otherwise they exist only in your imagination, i.e. you are creating them in your brain. so when there is no direct contact, as soon as the slightest thought of them starts stirring, get rid of it. it doesn't matter how you do it: suppress it, shoot it, let the wind carry it away, whatever. as fast as possible. Try it till it works. it can always be the same strategy or you can vary it. what's important is that you try it every time, even when it doesn't work. be always vigilant so that you can tell when your neurons are producing a thought of these people, and take action immediately. With practice you will succeed.
keep me posted on how you're progressing with this.
***
I don't understand why you say this so forcefully and clearly, but I am starting to practice it. It's as if there's a part that says: where does he get this, it's crazy, I've never heard of it. And the other part just does it without asking why. I am alone, the (pseudo) shelter of my families is gone then.
yes, precisely. everything that isn't related to the present, to the external situation you happen to be in, is "pseudo."
Your formulations, Wolfgang, strike me as a little too violent. Or should this vehemence be part of it, an eradication?
eradication only as an ultimate measure, when nothing else helps. the point is to stop having thought-feelings of people who are not present. how you do it doesn't matter. At any rate, being vehement with this won't do you any harm.
I'm afraid that if I do it this way, they'll just get stronger???
try it, and if that's the case, immediately develop another approach. take the example of a wasp that's bothering me. i gently try to get it to leave me alone. if that doesn't work, i may have to kill it. obviously, if i don't succeed in doing that with one blow, the wasp will get wild and really try to sting me.
Does this apply to all people or only to those you mentioned? What about nostalgic memories, should I treat them the same way?
i think it'll be easier if you start with a select group. ultimately this should include all people who are not present. yes, nostalgic memories are poisonous. dump them as they come up. all feelings related to the past (nostalgia, etc.) or the future (longing, hopes for a better life, beautiful moments etc.) are poisonous.
yup, thanks, I understand. I notice how BeingHere gets clearer.
please explain what you mean by that.
Yesterday evening I saw the walls, the table, and the chair very sharply, distinctly; it's as if I could feel the table without my making a move, almost as if I were the table. The same thing walking outside today. I actually saw the people. Saw them in their actuality. Truly, without associations, without judgments and dreams. They were just there. Sharply because there was nothing in between, no dream cotton, no rosy tint. This clarity almost hurt. That's why I said "sharply."
very very good. that's what don juan would call "seeing." now you have gained an insight into what that means. just don't try to reproduce it. either it happens by itself or it doesn't happen.
I'm sitting here in a hotel room, existing. No more and no less.
yes, exactly. there's no more than that. and no less. reality. and this is how it is in every situation you're in, when you filter out the imaginary productions of your brain (which are always related to the past or the future) instead of believing them.
the following concerns everything i am writing or suggesting:
1. do only what you can square with your own conscience (and especially don't do anything because you may consider me an authority).
2. when you decide to do it, do it for a certain time and find out what it does for you.
at this stage in your life, are you still trying to meet the expectations of authorities?
I don't know. I'm simply afraid of some people and some situations. Also afraid of claiming my rights. In traffic or when someone gets in my way. Because of the way I behave, I'm having fewer confrontations. I avoid conflicts.
funny, but that sounds wise to me.
And I extend that to all the people I get attached to. My great love, my disappointments, all thoughts of people who aren't present, I just let them be, I let them pass.
yes, good.
It works well side by side, but feelings?? They go out to my secret imagined romances.
snakes? - poison :-)
Today I did a few things in this direction. I ate when I was hungry, I was in touch with myself. But what about the dreams, hopes, and visions that make up human existence?
dump them. into the garbage.
I have so little to offer. And it doesn't touch me, because who would I offer it to? As for what actually happens, I can't talk about it, because there are no words. Yes, there is more space when I don't carry so many characters around with me.
yes, go on like that.
I'm sure I haven't accepted my role, I feel out of place, in fact I feel in the way. I don't want to be here, don't want to take care of my family, I have enough to deal with just by myself.
I want them all out of the way when I get up in the morning, so I can start the day on my own without hearing Daddy here, Daddy there. Now for me to say: Yes, I accept it all the way it is -- that would be a lie. It's just suffering for me, a permanent flight.
a permanent flight from suffering. and right there is a part of the road you have to travel if you want to find a way out: to accept this suffering which you feel so clearly.
there are two kinds of suffering: the useless kind and the helpful kind. putting it simply, useless suffering is when you don't accept the suffering which the presence of your family causes and entertain thoughts of running away instead.
you will see that this suffering, if you accept it, has shades and gradations. It isn't always the same, and sometimes it isn't there at all.
allow yourself to be surprised. and don't concern yourself with the thoughts that arise around it. They're not worth a whole lot (once again, every time: into the garbage with them :-). unfortunately this can't be done in one fell swoop.
But I'd like to. And sometimes I can. But this feeling of being betrayed, caught, thrown to the wolves is often so powerful, and there's no way to dump that in the trash.
i agree. what's called for is an acceptance, an endurance of suffering, without resignation.
My personal well-being is for me absolutely number 1. The others come second.
your children are neither the cause nor the trigger for your suffering (both cause and trigger are within yourself).
there is no permanent well-being.
being free also means that wellness or illness, suffering or ecstasy, it makes no difference. of course it takes a while to get used to accepting helpful suffering and avoiding useless suffering (which is often one and the same procedure). in the process of liberation this way of acting is the essential element
As long as I'm traveling away from my family, I'm in a better state, but the first day after coming home is sheer hell. I see that right now this is the most stressful part of my life. And I don't want any more of it. I can't make myself love them.
of course not.
But I can make the rejection and hatred stop.
yes.
I will stay here and not run away.
good. learn to accept helpful suffering. running away would deprive you of a good opportunity to do that.
so, in a nutshell: learn to accept suffering that arises from the situation you're in, and don't grant any reality to the thoughts that come up as a reaction.
***
That was a very extensive and demanding e-mail, Wolfgang.
nothing comes from nothing, not even nothingness :-)
I put it into practice. And, well, I don't really know. Sometimes it's very bad, sometimes it's very good, and sometimes it's sort of in the middle, open. It's not good to talk about it, but I do want to write about it to you. Especially because it all seems too simple to me. I read something and try it and somehow it works, but I don't trust it. What about Wolinsky's identity work? What about childhood traumas?
we've all had them.
the kind of "work on oneself" I recommend directly addresses what's essential.
I have nothing against people working out their childhood traumas, but I would suggest to you that you hold off doing that, and as long as it's ok for you, go into what I'm offering you and don't compare it with other approaches.
And somehow I enjoy doing all this. I'm no longer running away, I'm here.
good.
Not necessarily with gladness and love, but I'm here at any rate.
very good.
What do you do for yourself? Are there times when you too don't want to be there for your family?
with me there's more a "going towards being alone" than a "getting away from the family." But I don't experience this as a flight, but as something completely natural. what would there be left for me to do, since basically everything is always okay?
What about mental excursions to the past and the future, in general?
in general I would say: only when it's necessary for one's functioning, i.e. for planning/organization.
This Enlightenment which develops -- it's not the ultimate thing, right? Somehow it always keeps on developing? This reminds me of candy wrappers: the candy's enveloped, and then you de-velop the wrapper.
So Enlightenment isn't a goal which you reach at some point and then you're done -- it's the continuation of a path?
well, there are indications that let you know you're over the hump, but only when you compare it with the time when it wasn't the case yet. You're right, there is no ultimate, final attainment. but gradually (after a few years) there comes a certain security. until that's the case, it is almost always necessary to be with a teacher.
the question of meaning stops, and so does the preoccupation with psyche and spirituality, generally speaking. except when i'm carrying out my function as a teacher, i'm totally unconcerned with these subjects. i like to watch television, do household work, internet and computer activities, keeping or putting my things in order, and of course teach.
The path to oneself? Through oneself? To who knows where?
yes. or: "to who DOESN'T know where."
Was it like this for you, too, Wolfgang -- that you reduced your life? Not so many plans, jobs?
yes, plans only insofar as they're called for. i just do what has to be done.
it's that way with most people who have worked with me: they just go on doing what they've done all along. the dream of something better coming up in the future (in 5 minutes or 5 years) has burst like a bubble. and when you no longer believe in that, then you'll no longer undertake things with motives like, for example: "if i do this, then i'll feel good/better."
Doing favors for people? Projects?
that can happen, but it arises from the context. the opposite can happen just as well. everything is possible when you no longer have an ideology or maxims to guide you through life. ion the rare occasions when i observe myself saying or doing something, i fall from one surprise into the next nothing is premeditated, nothing is based on a particular philosophy.
I notice that sometimes I have terrible lapses of memory, but this doesn't bother me as much as it does the people around me. I particularly lose track of dates and time. "When did we go out for dinner?" My wife interprets that as lack of interest.
you won't be able to prevent others from (mis)interpreting your behavior.
for example, if you had a super-memory, your wife could interpret it as "jealousy." she could feel constantly supervised, even if in this (purely fictitious) case you were completely free of any kind of jealousy.
My sense of time has changed. Without an alarm clock and a watch I can't be on time for appointments.
yes, that's normal. a good sign. i think I explained this in my writings.
take care that you are well organized and immediately write everything that's important into a date book and look into it several times a day.
a reliable watch is very useful as well.
the faculty of memory gradually collapses, but you'll retain just as much as you need to keep your things in order. and that's really all the memory you need. most of the accumulated memories are worthless anyway. and when the context calls for it, you'll be surprised how the necessary information usually shows up, as if by magic.
When someone asks me "How are you," I always have to check in first to see if someone's there to answer. It's pretty amusing.
that sounds good.
I'm achieving the status of a slightly distracted, fat, occasionally aggressive character.
basically it doesn't much matter how other people see you. the most important thing is that you have your peace and quiet and don't stick out unnecessarily.
That was a lot of babbling, Wolfgang. But my connection with you is very important for me.
as korzybski said: "the words aren't what we are talking about."
***
It's getting worse and worse, more and more shouting matches with my wife and children and a sad calm inside me. Somehow they're all ganging up on me.
please delete the thought expressed in that last sentence from beginning to end. develop the habit of thinking systematically in facts and of eliminating interpretations and mind-readings right away.
Every evening I read "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse. It's my favorite book.
good grief. beautiful dreams are poisons too. so, difficult as it may be, get rid of hesse. not into the garbage this time but to the flea market or a secondhand book store. or give it to your mother. . . hahaha.
recommended bedtime reading: "i am that" by nisargadatta, stephen wolinsky's teacher.
I experience more and more often, when things get quieter, that my consciousness moves "back." It's as if I were being pulled back, and then everything gets quiet.
good.
As a child, when I had a high fever, I saw my body as if through an inverted telescope. This frightened me greatly. My NLP trainers said these were hypnotic hallucinations. I don't believe that. I think it was something like the disconnection I'm experiencing now. Something inside me is starting to move apart, to separate.
i agree. i'm sure you have an idea of what ecstasy is. well, what you're describing sounds like what i call "instasy" (do you intuitively understand the meaning of this word?), an important stage on the path of liberation.
The polarities are now becoming very strong. For hours at a time I get along fine with my family, and then I could kill them. And then again there are times when I'm in the middle. All these states change very quickly.
yes, good. normal. like a hurricane. and sometimes you're in the center.
But I almost always notice when it starts; sometimes I can put the brakes on, sometimes I just lose it. Then I yell at the kids. What has stopped is "putting myself down afterwards."
despite all the turmoil, try to be fair.
Now I'm simply in the middle of it, sometimes in deep sadness, sometimes just like that. No goal, no wish. Except that all those involved shouldn't suffer so much because of me. That I can keep in more, so it doesn't break out like that.
Yes, it's true, it's a total solitude. More and more now I'm trying to be with myself, sitting, lying down, doing yoga, Feldenkrais, especially without doing anything. Then I "tank up."
yes, being drawn to al(l)-one-ness . . . that too is normal.
Am I responsible for the fact that my wife does nothing for herself?
no.
That I offer her the opportunity to spend some free time for herself and she doesn't do it?
you're not responsible for her. it's best if you completely stop expecting anything of her that's in any way related to personal development.
That she calls me an egotist?
don't worry about what she says about you. put it in the box where you put all the things that have no meaning for you.
I often think now that I shouldn't have married her.
get used to accepting all decisions you made in the past (whether 5 minutes or 5 years ago doesn't matter) along with their consequences, without regret,100%, and face the results these choices are bringing you now.
i observe what is.
everything was as it was. period.
everything is as it is. period.
i do what's required. period.
no more and no less. period.
***
It's funny, but everything I've struggled with has stopped. Hardly any yelling, hardly any annoyance, somehow it's all gone. And this makes me suspicious, because I imagine it ought to hurt. You've talked about existential suffering. It looks too simple to me, just to live without feeling any pain. It makes me think I must be doing something wrong.
Setting aside this suspicion, this is a very nice way to live. I'm able to relate in a relaxed way with people who usually drive me up the wall. I'm experiencing my life from the "back" perspective and that's really pretty amazing.
I would like it if you would write me something, Wolfgang, telling me how this will go on. At the moment I just don't believe that I'm doing it right. Or am I just trying to emulate you???
everything's fine.
don't worry about how it'll go on. let yourself be surprised.
live it and don't question it.
***
The phases of being "in the background" are getting longer and more frequent. Then everything happens before me as if on a stage. It's not like a dissociation in NLP, it's more like something between As- and Dis-sociation. Who decides what's to be done, and how? When does who know that it's time to quit his job?
are you wondering whether you should give notice?
I'm freelance, there's no giving notice. It's just that by now I'm very bored and don't feel like getting advanced ITS training.
Or for example do Feldenkrais training instead.
How do I know when to chuck ITS and just do the other thing?
my suggestion: first keep on doing what you've been doing all along. whether you're motivated or not doesn't matter.
I feel like I'm heading for an abyss . Without a concept, without rules.
yes, good. you'll get "used to" living this way without fear.
Can you promise me, please, that no matter what I end up scribbling here . . .
i don't judge what you tell me.
. . . you'll somehow stand by me? I'm afraid of being alone with this, Wolfgang.
i can't give you this promise, because to do so would be to deny the reality of the (your and my) aloneness.
besides, there is another reality; like any other person, I could die at any moment.
a suggestion: whatever actions you take, treat them with the supposition that i will suddenly no longer be there.
normally of course i will continue to be there for you. but you shouldn't depend on it. it's not acceptable for you to be in any way dependent on anything or anyone.
being free also means being free of the teacher.
besides, it could be that some day I will decide it would be in your interest if i were no longer available to you as someone to talk to.
to be alone with this is normal and unavoidable. find within yourself the possibility of being alone with this without fear. this is possible. and if existential suffering arises from fear (not that this is necessary), then please don't be surprised.
***
The way it is now, life has no other meaning than to be.
yes.
Love, hate, sadness are all passing appearances, nothing to base a life upon.
yes.
Father, mother, wife, husband, child, all concepts without deeper meaning.
yes.
Ultimately it really doesn't matter how you make a living.
yes.
Ultimately it doesn't matter whether and how one lives.
yes. there is no reason for living, and there is no reason for not living. but if one happens to be living, one should make sure that one has enough to eat and doesn't freeze.
Actually there's nothing to talk about. Nevertheless and just for that reason, the contact is important to me.
again: the words are not what we are talking about.
If what I wrote above is in fact the case, then a human life is.
yes, it is. period.
truly wretched.
wretched, disconsolate in the usual sense only when one considers it from the point of view of the identity. and when one considers it from the point of view of the non-identity, it's true as well: life needs no consolation.
I have a sense that this isn't the ultimate stage, but something in between.
well said. these "in between" states constantly change their content; nevertheless they will always remain "in between." so remain in the "in-between-ness" and don't expect it to stop some day.
I'll keep going and staying with my situation, my job and my family.
good.
***
How will I know that I'm over the hump, how do I know when I'm "enlightened" ?
it's different for each person. i don't know how it expresses itself in your case. one thing is certain: it's never the way you imagine or imagined it to be. and it can never be grasped.
if you happen to have the "tao te ching" (translated by richard wilhelm), have a look at it.
here is an excerpt:
The TAO that can be expressed
is not the eternal TAO.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal name.
'Non-existence' I call the beginning of Heaven and Earth.
'Existence' I call the mother of individual beings.
Therefore does the direction towards non-existence
lead to the sight of the miraculous essence,
the direction towards existence
to the sight of spatial limitations.
Both are one in origin
and different only in name.
In its unity it is called the secret.
The secret's still deeper secret
is the gateway through which all miracles emerge.
What's the point of it all if nothing changes, why make any efforts at all?
this question no longer arises afterwards.
when you have arrived, you won't have any questions at all -- not about meaning, that is.
and you'll do everything as usual (and why not, since where you are centered, everything's always okay). probably you'll do it better, because you'll no longer make unrealistic demands on yourself and won't be pushing against immovable obstacles.
and there's no more unnecessary suffering, because you have learned the meaning of acceptance.
I'm madly searching for something to do. Something to speed it up.
Without this NOTHING around and within me.
No more ALLOWING and BEING, but MAKING and DOING instead.
that sounds like a trap which fortunately you haven't fallen into yet.
so watch out!
It's so frustrating, there's no reference point. I don't know where I am, or how to go on, and how long I'll take to get somewhere.
that's how it is on the way to nowhere. you'll get used to it.
obviously the identity gets frustrated when you turn off the spigot.
But at the same time it's not without substance. It's as if something were doing something, and it's not me. It's kind of funny.
sounds right. you'll get used to it.
isn't everything much simpler at the same time?
and the identity scoffs: "what, it's this simple? there must be something wrong, this can't be it."
I keep on letting it be.
very good.
***
For the first time I wake up this morning and I'm scared. It's like a vise around me, it's like an agony inside. A sort of panic attack. As if trapped, a feeling like "It's all over."
don't give it any importance.
I suspect it's a sign of the identity's coming to an end. Its sadness and its misery, which I always took to be my own, and which prevented me from moving on. It's a terrible struggle: "Why are you betraying me, why are you going along with this bullshit?"
ask yourself the following question: ". . . what if I gave it up now?"
I don't know where it's leading or who will come out afterwards.
it isn't leading anywhere and no one will come out afterwards.
It's like this: I don't believe that it's worth it and I don't believe that it's not worth it; it doesn't matter.
it would be best if you stopped believing altogether.
There's a kind of basic confidence, without any reason. A sort of fundamental trust in Being. A Being that needs no reasons, no justification, no achievement. Is this the "I am THAT" Nisargadatta is speaking from?
could be.
Whatever.
I always look forward to your E-mails, Wolfgang, and I always get a kick out of them. I laugh so often, it makes me feel good. Is the Wilhelm translation of the I Ching the one published by Diederichs in a yellow-green paperback?
ok, first of all, as far as i can remember, i was talking about the tao te ching and not the i ching. and secondly, i've been living in france for the last 20 years. how am i supposed to know whether the book is yellow-green or blue-white? and besides, just to avoid misunderstandings: we're not talking about soccer clubs. hahaha. and even though it's by a chinese sage, does that mean it has to be yellow-green? hahaha.
***
Yesterday I completely forgot to worry about my Enlightenment or do anything about it.
good sign.
the next time, please write me more about precisely how you are acting on my suggestions and less about how you're doing and feeling. thanks.
It was as if "it" were withdrawing.
and today you're suffering from "withdrawal symptoms" again? :-)
I didn't give a damn about anything, in particular anything having to do with self-knowledge and enlightenment. In fact the thought of caring about it really annoyed me.
very good.
Then I thought
right there's the mistake . . :-)
Is that an identity, and is it out to sabotage me?
With this thought I fell asleep, and this morning I woke up and found myself in the old rut. Conflict with myself, my children, and my wife. It's depressing, unnerving, and frustrating. Everything's running in circles.
The "outside" is getting worse and more and more depressing. There's no contentment whatsoever, I won't even mention happiness. In one of our countless fights, my wife wanted to know why the hell I still stick around. I said there's no reason to leave and I'm holding to the decision I made a while ago.
And I'm staying until something else develops.
good.
There's so much suffering inside me, Wolfgang, that's clear enough. But my wife and children are suffering too, and I don't find that OK at all.
everything was as it was, and everything is as it is. period.
what's not ok is that you don't find this ok.
not that you should find it ok, but instead of "finding" it one way or the other, simply act spontaneously out of the moment and don't take "diagnostic findings" seriously in the first place.
take note of what is. period. instead of interpreting it and judging it as good or bad.
After all, it's my concern, what's happening here. But when it grabs hold of me, I can't be nice any more. Can an NLP Master Practitioner be expected to be outwardly nice and agreeable when he doesn't feel like it?
yes.
You asked to write more about how exactly I'm acting on your suggestions. OK, here we go.
For the time being, I'm only reading the books you have recommended. I'm not looking for another teacher or other ideas.
okay.
I attend to my awareness. That means the following:
I consciously experience the unbearable situations in my life
I let them be without judging them
I accept my being AS I AM
I accept everything as a transient appearance
I don't DO anything actively for it (meditation etc.)
I no longer compare myself with others
good.
I don't try to liberate myself
I'm staying with my family
I'm staying in my job
good.
I've stopped quarreling with my parents and my childhood:
I have accepted my parents as given.
My childhood: those are memories of events, they happened. . .
(here I would add:) . . . and my actual life is not the logical consequence of my past experiences.
I don't distinguish between Wolfgang's recommendations and other things, I read what you write, act on it, and forget that it's from you.
okay.
More and more, I practice being in the present. Without fleeing into imaginary romances, without rage at the past.
very good.
There is more being than before. rage, hate, and love come and go. That's the greatest thing for me.
coming and going. Does that mean that when it's over, it's usually completely over, without a hangover? That often a dissociation from what you just experienced takes place immediately?
Yes, it's just like a hallway with doors, I go from room to room.
very good.
But more exactly, this is how it happens:
A situation develops and I react. "Stop, this is inappropriate." And then: "No, it's genuine and I'm doing that now."
Later my wife will say that wasn't necessary and I have NO feelings of guilt, it's over and I make ANY resolutions about the next time.
good, no resolutions.
I'm no longer reading Siddhartha
I'm no longer watching "Herr der Gezeiten."
I no longer yearn for my greatest love
very good.
I don't apply any techniques, there's something very natural about it. What isn't working yet is changing my state when it's called for.
that'll happen by itself when you've gotten used to meeting situations and people without concepts (simply and naturally, like a child).
That's what always bothered me about NLP, this playacting, being inauthentic. By authentic I mean that a state comes from inside. Not authentic means I decide to be friendly. When I'm inwardly like THIS and outwardly like THAT, for me that's just playacting and I hate it, because that's what my mother always did.
in the past, as a way of developing your identity, i'm sure you needed to distinguish yourself from this kind of behavior on the part of your mother.
leave your mother aside and keep experimenting.
most identities (i could also say "non-enlightened human beings") need to distinguish themselves, on the one hand, from other people's behavior, and on the other hand they need to find like-minded people with whom they can mutually confirm and support their way of seeing things, their mode of conduct.
what i teach has of course nothing to do with all that.
freedom has nothing to do with distinguishing oneself, nor has it anything to do with finding confirmation.
non-identity: here, conduct adapts to the situation.
it is the situation, the context, that determines your conduct, and nothing else. here you don't need to either distinguish or confirm yourself.
always be on the alert when the following fits: "i define myself by being x " (in this case: authentic).
when you no longer define yourself by anything, don't distinguish yourself, don't receive or seek confirmation by what you do or don't do, then you are. the situation at hand produces the appropriate answer/reaction all by itself. that doesn't mean you have to be friendly.
for the time being i would recommend that in difficult situations you wait a moment before you say something.
try it.
please ask if something isn't clear yet.
I regard it as a game (my job). Partly I play it consciously. And then I let it happen as it will.
good.
What I practice most strongly is not-doing.
have you found and read the tao te ching yet?
Yes, I found the colorful Richard Wilhelm book. Diederich's Yellow Series vol. 19. I've already read some of it. It's kind of weird, finding Tao translated as "meaning."
doesn't matter. I suggest you just translate the word "meaning" back into "tao" as you read. :-)
***
I have learned dissociation as a way of seeing myself in the situation. It's different with me. It's between being completely hooked and completely detached.
sounds good. either you're up a creek or you're not. :-)
I feel an impulse. I examine it to see if acting on it will cause any damage.
If not, I act on it. That is genuine and authentic.
sounds good.
I feel an impulse. I find that it's inappropriate and do something different. That is false, a put-on, NLP!
but sometimes appropriate for the situation. you don't have to define yourself as "authentic" any longer. be light and relaxed: be full of contradictions. sometimes authentic, sometimes an ass-kisser, sometimes an angel, sometimes this and that.
I feel an impulse and find myself acting on it without first checking it. That's the most authentic of all, but often it's crap.
therefore my recommendation: a moment's pause.
This is my basic dilemma; You say everything's OK. In that case it's OK if I punch my stupid neighbor on the nose. WHERE DO THE CRITERIA FOR ACTION COME FROM; WHEN DO I PUT UP WITH SOMETHING; WHEN DO I STRIKE OUT?
there are no criteria. you don't know until you're in the situation.
for the last time: there are no rules. and there are no guidelines for action. each situation creates its own rules.
I see my child doing something, I have the impulse to yell and I do it. How can I interrupt that? How can I disengage from that? When should I treat my parents nicely, when should I confront them and throw them out of the house?
damn it, there are no rules when you are free.
How is it for you, Wolfgang? Do you love your family? What if your child annoys you, do you feel that. When your child gets hurt, does that tear you apart?
You have the impulse to strike up a conversation with another woman, how do you deal with that?
You have the impulse to learn a language, what do you do?
those are all generalizations, and they don't exist for me. there are only concrete situations, and not one of them is like the other.
one question that could be answered would be, for instance: when your child pinched your ass in the kitchen yesterday morning, how did you react?
life is a series of facts. period. i have no theory of how to conduct oneself. i don't act according to rules. even if i find myself in the same situation ten times in a row, i can react differently each time (a paradox: it could be that an observer -- not every observer -- would find that I behaved the same way each time).
i don't know in advance what i will say, write, or do in the next moment.
As for me, I feel at the mercy of my impulses, truly helpless.
helpless, good.
ok, now feel this helplessness. associate with it. and let whatever happens happen.
They often act for me and then I'm stuck with the consequences.
in a recent e-mail you spoke of the hallway with the many doors -- remember?
Just noticing, noticing, that's all there is to it? What about action?
don't worry about action. It comes by itself. and associate with your helplessness as often as possible.
***
I've taken to heart your advice to simply put a stop to certain thoughts. Yesterday, for instance, while taking a walk, I was inwardly just putting everyone down. In a superior sort of way, from above. Then I thought STOP and then came the fear, my "inferiority feeling." And then I stopped that too.
STOP is the best thing you can do when your nervous system wants to start producing nerve-wracking thoughts from the past or nerve-wracking emotions.
.
I don't hang out in "it would be so nice if I were somewhere else."
So now, after a horribly stressful day with a customer, I can calmly sit in my hotel room and write to you.
I don't need any recognition for my work, I just do it and then it's good.
I notice moments when I want to show off and then I can go on or stop.
I notice that I can endure mockery and criticism. Somehow there's no one there to feel offended by it. I could ask questions about it without feeling embarrassed.
But I consider my father an idiot.
your father only exists for you when you see or hear him. Thinking about another person or analyzing his/her behavior is only meaningful when there are organizational-functional issues to deal with in connection with this person.
***
I see myself talking to myself and I notice that I often hold speeches. For example for an NLP seminar. I don't know how to account for that. Is it fear of peace and solitude?
i don't think so.
inner dialogue is useful for the preparation of future projects/plans. it's a way for relevant ideas and intuitions to rise into consciousness -- often accompanied by pleasant (pre)sentiments. The only reason to stop it is if it's turning in circles.
Then, when I have the "feeling' I am, suddenly there's nothing more to say.
what is the "feeling I am"?
hmmmmmmm. When I simply am without being aware of it. The feeling is without words. It's only when the words come that I know that I had it. That's a little confused, but I'm OK with it.
that sounds good. looks like the "void" is moving in.
What if I'm acutely angry at someone?
please don't think in generalizations.
Concrete situation:
better.
Today during a consultation someone made some remarks that greatly annoyed me. I wanted to express this anger and was afraid to. What should I do with this?
it depends on your goal. just letting the anger out is pointless. it's better to feel your helplessness (which is concealed beneath the fear). this also has the advantage that you can analyze his position/his point of view better, without emotion.
if expressing anger can be of strategic advantage, for example if it promises to make the other person respect you more, then it's okay. but in that case one must take care to use the "right" , meaning the most appropriate words, i.e. words that are likely to bring about a change in the other person's behavior, or to clarify the situation. it takes a little practice, and the better you know the other person, the better it works. never neglect to consider the ecological aspects and the possible consequences in all related contexts.
Postscript from M.
I am writing this document after some special experiences.
It is written to my friends. They asked about what happened there.
In may 1999 I was invited to attend a master NLP Group in South France. Before that I had a very intensive contact with the trainer of this group, whom I will call W.
I was in a very critical state. I was looking forward to leaving my family, my kids, my job. I was suffering so much that I wished to be dead. I read and read and read and tried and tried to get rid of this suffering. The suffering was my basefeeling. Everthing I
experienced through this suffering. I was very hopeless.
Now W. gave me some very direct advice:
-don´t leave family, job etc.
-stay as "normal" as possible
-as it is, it is ok
-begin thought control, stop "murder thoughts" and feelings
-read only a few books like Nisargadatta
Nearly daily we exchanged E-Mails. I acepted him as a teacher. I was so amazed that he answered my mails. He was present and he answered my questions and gave me advice. I acepted this advice. BUT the suffering was there, I was very disliked in my family.
There was a permanent inner crying the whole time.
Then he invited me into one of his study groups. And after checking my schedule I said yes. In May 1999 I flew to France.
That was a four day trip and it happened.
I met W. and the group. The group:
- very "normal" people
- no games playing
- acceptance of each individual
- a kind of "love" I have felt only at the Findhorn Foundation before
- smoking and coffee drinking, no magic, no rules
- W. was the trainer but also not special
- Sitting in conversation, sitting in silence, in laughter
And W. asked me why I had come and I talked about my suffering and inner crying. And one member of the group talked and "worked" with me. And with his help I faced and experienced my suffering - and got through. Behind the suffering there was
--------NOTHING-------. I experinced being nothing, part of the Nothingness. The others were very present, they didn't "observe" me in a clinical way, more like "We know what is happening, go on, follow your way, we are there."
After that, my body didn´t work very well. I was very disorganized. It took a while until I was able to walk well.
From that moment on, everything was like before and simultanously totally different. So my suffering was there too, and my thoughts and my emotions, BUT I experienced them in a very different way. They didn´t grab me. It was more like watching a movie.
I was able to stop it, to watch it or whatever.
So I shared an intense time with the others, eating, drinking, playing, silently, loudly, smoking, sleeping, teaching, talking, explaining, feeling, listening, sharing sharing. And the more I gave, the richer I became.
What I took with me:
- there is often a big tiredness, within which the suffering and the thoughts and the Identities are not so strong, it is OK to be in that
- forgetting things I used to know very well is also OK, try to organize with schedules
- act like a normal person
- be present, only in present time can things be done
- NO RULES NO JUDGEMENT EVERYTHING IS AS IT IS
What has changed in my life after that:
- I stayed with my family, BUT I see the women in the world and that is very OK
- I stopped reading spiritual books! Enough,- for now, who knows what will be in 5 min.
- I am disliked in my family as before, I get angry and shout sometimes BUT the situation is finished after that. There is no later judgement of myself.
- I am able to show my love in my family
- I have accepted my parents as they are. Of course I feel like a little boy when I meet them, and I am angry about the past BUT it doesn´t grab me. The need to change them has gone.
- I do my job quite normally, don´t need to be the best.
- The moments of beeing with myself become longer and longer. Sitting in the world watching, listening,- using no method
- Stop learning techniques and methods as a rule, only as needed
- Drink French red wine
- I feel very present but not hooked. It happens and I feel angry, happy or whatever. And then the next moment comes and the next and the next ... Moment by moment. No vision, no spiritual goals
- I ve lost those life goals. My goals are the next glass of wine, or coffee or coke; the next music; the next song or whatever; to have enough money
- I ve lost the need to be special or important
- I love my tiredness and the moments when I am present like the beam of a laser
- I do my daily work directly, washing the dishes, cooking meals moment by moment
- My family thinks like before that I am very crazy and not normal ....
- My identities are there like before, BUT the hook doesn´t hook so often
- I am angry about stupid car drivers or the train company like before, BUT no hook
- I see women and imagine to have sex with them AND around the corner they're gone...
- I like to have lunch at McDonalds in the same way as in first class hotels, NO RULES NO JUDGEMENT
- The need for big holidays in other countries is gone. BECAUSE everything is here
- The need to impress others is gone. BUT if I want I can impress.
So, as you read, there are no names in this text, including my own. Goodbye.
